Me just Me

Mondays suck

2010-10-11T10:38:00.002-05:00

Well it is Monday and I am starting to hate waking up so early just to go to class. I still have thoughts of why I am still here. I should be dead. I should be laid up still in the hospital. I have a question that is haunting me, What is the reason for me to still be around ? Nobody seems to know and I can not find an answer in a book. This so whacked and it is bothering me that I have to live with the memories as they start to flow back in.

Yeah I am starting to realize that I have majorly screwed up. I have no idea what is missing in the brain nor do I have any idea what I lost. I have found out that math is harder for me to complete. I just do not under stand nor can I contain it for a long period. t

So what am I to do? I have no idea what is my plan of life nor the purpose of me being here. That bothers me greatly. I should have not survived the last attemp and what is to keep me from another attemp? I really have no reason. School is not the answer, I am realizing. So what to do now? I will have to think of something. I have to make life have purpose, I need that feeling.

Well enough for now. I can no longer talk about it with out the wonder and thinking of how to do it. Maybe there is a site for how to do it and all I need is to find it? I better stop this I am scaring myself.
TTFN

A Friday Night

2010-10-11T10:04:00.001-05:00

Well long time no write, I guess. Well lots has happened to me. I have enrolled in college and going to keep that promise to me by sticking to it. It will be hard and I know it but I am bound and determined to do it. No one is going to talk me out of it.

A Friday Night

2010-09-03T16:11:00.001-05:00

Alone part 1

2009-12-12T00:40:00.002-06:00

Yeah it is time to write a little about being alone in this world. I have feelings about this daily just have no real way to relieve it. Not that i have thought against using like Match.com or one of the others to find a potential life partner or some one for right now. It just seems that I have to watch as those about me wander on together as I walk a lonely path going no where real fast.

I did an act of kindness to a guy and his girlfriend. they seemed really hhappy and just watch from my lonely post on the couch. Yeah you heard me lonely post on a couch with not a person near to me that was with me. Yeah I know this is one of those BooHoos times, both I have to scream outloud. I AM TIRED OF THIS!!!!

I know that I have no one at times that reads this blog and somoetimes I am happy that I don't have peeps looking at it. This gives me a chance to voice it out in silence and be to live with nyself abit better. I am not even sure that I could through having sex with a person. I am not sure that I could even live befgore,during and after the act. The doctor has told me that a sudden drop in blood pressure could kill me. That is cause of the diabetes and high blood pressure. So do I want to chance it or just wait by the side lines watching as life passes me by.
I just want to know when do I have a chance to find out? When is it my turn and can I step up to the plate as they say and do it?

So do I have left in my life?

More on this later as I get the feel to write about it.
Nite y'all and I wish you sweet dreams, cause that is all I have any more just the dreams. That is all I have left. I lost my wife and a life. Oh and Happy Holidays if I do not write again soon.

time for a post again

2009-10-25T21:42:00.003-05:00

I guess it is time to make an update to what is happening about me. Well I am losing my mind slowly. I am still hearing peeps thoughts and I am still traveling at night. Sometime it seems it do more exercising in my mind then physically doing it. It has said that a monk can travel the earth during his time meditating. For all it is but relax and put your mind in a relax state and just belive in a leap r step in faith. Faith in one's Chi is a belief that anyone can move a mountain with but a thought. I travel time, space and all I do is dream. There is time I remember most time I just lie there wondering where I went this time. If you want to learn more about it or how to do this just ask me. drop a line here or balric99@aol.com. I can help you, just to let you know once the door is open you can not close it.

Repeat from 2008

2009-10-12T22:39:00.003-05:00

A subject of something that I know about. Well I have learned it the hard way. what it is like to be a caretaker. No choice in the matter. I was never asked would I do it. did you want to take your Step-Father to all his appointments, stay with him in the hospital Emergency room when needs be. I took it and went when needed. Yeah I did it and might do it again. But I was never given the option to do it. I have never had a chance to decide. I did not even raise my hand to volunteer. It just happened.If you wondered if being a carertaker takes from your life? Oh yeah it eats at your very fabric, sucks life from you, takes years from your life. Here is a man for years made me feel like I was an inch tall. Yelled at me, degraded me at every chance he has. Blames me for alot of subjects he brings up when the time is needed to place me back in my place. Yells at me alot of the time. Oh yeah I feel grateful, I feel like to hell with this. But I wake up, take him where he needs to go, and help him wipe his butt when needed.

So what do I do. Most of the time I play a game on my computer, put my mind in a place that gives me a chance to forget. Go to movies and let life pass me by. Go to bookstores looking for a book to explain what to do. Searching for a voice that says I understand. My step-Father is wheelchair bound so he is not walking. I lift, I move, I steady, I drive and get whatever he wants. I have found in the waitting room that there is so many faces that looks like mine. It takes it toll on us and me. It takes a toll on all of us. We are waitting our lives away.

So where is the caregivers group where I can share the very feelings I have about this. I still have a life, which is placed on hold. No place to hide, not even my very room. I have a leash and it gets yanked. Now don't get me wrong, most nights I have to myself. But I can not just say that I want to do something. I have to ask if it is okay that I do something. Forty six years of age and I have to ask if I can leave. God help me. I am stuck with this and it is eating at me every day. There is no care group for caregivers. We are expected to jump when it comes our time. I lie to myself and smile when I do it. But deep down I just want to die away. I even want to stop everything.Awhile back I called around looking for someone that would even give me a chance to talk. All I got was call here or go here. All of them would have left me in a place that I would not have a say what happens to me. Yeah it was the looney bin. The House of crazy people.

The answer would have been more pills and let me wander about like a zombie. You would not believe how I would almost just let it happen. But that is not the answer. Not fair to my mother to leave this on her. Lord knows what she would do. So here I write of my tale and let the words be free where my body is a slave. My mind just keeps holding in the feelings I have then I just keep going. Keep waitting for the next movie, the next DVD or the next book where I can lose myself for a moment.

I have found that I have something to look forward to yeah It is bowling. I got myself into a league. I just went out and joined one had to do it. It is on Sunday nights and I did well for being rusty. Ten years at least of rust. I got ball shined (hey it is the Bowling ball) shined the old bag and cleaned the shoes. I can not wait for the next time. now it is in between that is sucking lots of wind.
Right step-father is in the hospital. I hate those places. too many memories of my grandfather being there and me trying to help him. that one day that he went nuts and I had to leave cause I was so scared. Slowly I am able to pull back the layers and look at myself. Maybe I will be looking back.
I know that I am out there just where am I at. The staircase, a room, or on the footpath walking about picking up the pieces. For those of you that do not understand. I am talking outside the box. My spirit travels just where it goes I have no idea. I had someone say that they saw me in a blue light at the foot of their bed. Some feel me near to them. Where ever I go I hope it is to a wonderful place. Even if I can not remember sometimes. My Dreams escape me and I find I can not remember them enough to write them down.
well enough for now.

Center Can Not Hold

2009-09-28T19:29:00.002-05:00

This is a book I am reading at the Moment. It has real made me look into the mirror and see the monster that is looking back. The that is me in the mirror type of thought. Truth is that it me and I have to deal with it. I matter be in a horror film. My days are becoming hell at times and i HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Screw the caps lock. Well my weekly sessions are doing some help but I still think the major things are getting lost and I have no idea where they are. Need to dig deeper. I still have yet to find what it is. Years of being bully, lack of sex (that involves a girlfriend), human contact (including a hug every now and then), conversation (involves coffee then I go off and ramble on, confusing peeps). I have no idea what it is?
I am going to ponder this abit more. I have to achieve baby step goals and do them. Hell I have no idea what I am going to do.

TTFN

More Pondering.

2009-09-02T22:46:00.002-05:00

Have oyu ever been under the microscope? I am starting to feel that way. I had to take step-father to get a pill camera swallowed down thee ole glullet and recorded to a device hooked around his waist. Nasty...No?
Well I am having to wipe up poop forever now, cause he thinks he can not do anything for his self. we are thankful of Latex gloves, just now where is a clothes pin? Oh those are a thing that used to be use to hang clothes on the line outside to dry. That is just something to explain for those that only know what a dryer is for. If for some reason you do not understand a dryer, Lord help you, ask your room mate.
Well I have not seen he insides of my eye lids since 4 am.

TTFN

Pondering part 1

2009-08-19T21:31:00.002-05:00

Pondering is a kool way of saying that I have no idea and I am thinking of a good excuse. Answers requires words of truth and of knowledge, in other words facts. Hard line facts like the rosary was created in the later 1200's and an order of Knights had to do it at least 32 times per day. Like by Hook or by crook is another saying that means that either which way the wind was coming from you either sailed into the dock of the city Hook or by Crook. Those are facts.

When it comes to me the facts are straight I am broke and I need to get fixed. I am pondering how to do it. I have better resources now, but I am still broke. Life does not allow broke people to wandering about. I have learned how to hide it, and I can do it well. Heard of ear tickling I understand that language. I have done it for over 40 years of my life. I got things from ear tickling I got to go to places with my parent because of it. I played hooky from school by doing it. Heck I could lie my way out of most thing that happen to me. I had to to keep myself from harm. Now is a different time now I need to talk the truth. They need the info to help others of with my disorder or disease. The truth hurts and now I have to take the hits as I open up to others. I have given someone access to this blog and I hope the info here will help those that need help.
But just as the truth can hurt so can it hurt others. I have placed my thoughts here many of times. for close to five years now. Yeah it is a long time to place things here that sometimes no one reads. These thoughts are here to be my therapy, my venting and my excitement when something I do goes right for a change. Too bad people don't take the offer and read here more often. they might understand the true butterfly effect. that a single flutter of a wing can move a mountain or a cup of coffee can change the world. Buy someone a cup of coffee and see if they smile back. You might even get a conversation out of it. I have not gotten the guts up to do it but I have thought of it. Who knows I might just do it tomorrow. Lets see what happens.

Well enough for tonight
as Tigger would say
TTFN

okay Love the next part again

2009-08-17T18:51:00.002-05:00

I am still pondering on the subject of love. Let say it is not making any sense to me. It has been 9 years since I have had a semi - love connection. Does it matter, it must cause I keep coming back to the subject. So what of the subject is getting me? I have no idea, and I really mean it when I say I have no idea.

This I will have to ponder on some more. Don't worry I will get there sometime soon

TTFN

Love part which ever so far

2009-08-13T17:35:00.002-05:00

I havebeen watching movies you know the romantic/comedy type. I watched The Ugly truth yesterday and I realize that I am just like the girl in the movie. I have no possible way to be the guy type that is in the movie. God I am the girl, no possible way to get a girl to be interested in me.
I am a care taker living with my parents. women hear live with parents.
I have a low income. which means I am a cheap date. Sso good looking women in my age are looking for high income guys. They want Victoria Secrets, I can go for Goodwell on a good day.
They want to go for high price eatery and I am thinking that I might get fries with my meal and if she s good I might get her a latte a'la Mccaffe.

Heh I can just go for a jeans and T-Shirt type of girl, beer does not have to be a requirement. No tatts and /or body priecing. I like my women just a regular looking one. that is just one. Okay time to look like the stalker in Taco Bell and/or McD's. Should I use the laptop to hide behind or does it make me look dorky or even to nerdy. Putting the cord from the plug just in the way of possible woman walking in my direction so she can almost trip on it?
Like that would work.
Well I have found from watching that love is hit or miss. I am in the miss side of it. I miss it alot. Romantic/comedy are more fun when a woman goes with you. I just can not believe I just said that. Yupe I do miss it.
Well that be it for now. Too depressing to continue. I am not going to turn this into a Boo Hoo moment as a friend call them. But I will say being alone SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN
The Rev.
P.S. When all else fails follow your heart and go to the movies. Never know if she is in the theater with you or not.

Love Talk

2009-07-25T21:45:00.002-05:00

So back to the question what is love? Can it be done without the sex part? I think I have come to the part that I hate sex, or just I hate it with another person. I think I am just saying I do not need it. If I had to write a short story on it. I think it would be a very short story. I have not really experienced true love or a love worthy of dieing for. Is she out there or am I just tricking myself in to thinking that?Well enough of tonights Boohoo session.I will close it down with a bit of homework for y'all. what is true love? Think about it for me.Maybe it is just a rocker away from a pitcher of tea.

Above is the last paragraph of the post love.

I have found out a little bit bout love. It has strings, it has a language of it's own, it has problems and it has actions that have to happen to keep it alive. I went down to the valley here in Texas to see a person I had feelings for. With the feelings also goes the heart. I thought I had a chance with her, but found out that she is still married and she has yet to let him go.
I found that love hurts. Oh have I said that she no longer will talk to me? It hurts so bad at times knowing that I am not even thought of enough that it is just enough to shut it down.
Why love a person or even thingk of a person that I just keep finding the wrong peeps to be with. Okay I am not the best find out there, but life should have a partner for everyone.

Life:
My life at times seems to be hellish. I have to do what ever is needed of me when it comes to my step-father. Today I had to take him down to get type casted for a blood transfusion and declotting of his dialysys arm. The tubes in his left arm is clotted and needs to be clear so I have to take him down to place to clear it. Well that is going to be fun.

well I will talk more as I find out about it.

Oh about my eyes I have one that has gotten surgery on it and doing well.
As honest as it gets I will ask about it more
Night all

Boo Hoo moment,yeah another one

2009-07-24T00:38:00.002-05:00

okay got the operation on my right eye and it works. Now I have one eye nearsighted and one farsighted. Yikes the headaches I get for the moment. I am going to get the other one done too.

The boo hoo moment as a friend of mine calls its, is one of my friends has decided to give me the cold shoulder routine cause I decided mot give a set of items of Fredricks to her. She is still married and it would not be wise to do that I thought and now it has gotten me isolation. No calls anymore and I miss a friend. I still have friends to write too and hopefully I can get Skype working again so I can call a gfriend in Argentina. I miss our talks too.

Well enough of the boo hoo moment and back to life.
TTFN

Love

2009-06-02T21:01:00.002-05:00

What is it and why we need it. I know there have many round conversations about this topic. But I want to know what it really is to feel it. I get it from my pets. Unconventional love is all they know. they will give it to me till I die or they do. which is something I can not think of. Losing one of my dogs hurts so bad to even think of. They have kept me from doing myself in.

Leo is my toy poodle. he choose me, I did not choose him till after he kept coming directly to me and just me. We have been bestest best buds ever since. He is so protective of me. Is that what true love is? can you fins that in a woman or another personal. Leo would not lie to me if he was a person. He has shown that as a pup.

People are just so tainted they lie to get their ways, cheat to get ahead, steal others ideas to make that extra buck. Guess we are all born to...... man I hate that blinking prompt when I can nnot figure out what to write next. It just sits there blinking.

So back to the question what is love? Can it be done without the sex part? I think I have come to the part that I hate sex, or just I hate it with another person. I think I am just saying I do not need it. If I had to write a short story on it. I think it would be a very short story. I have not really experienced true love or a love worthy of dieing for. Is she out there or am I just tricking myself in to thinking that?
Well enough of tonights Boohoo session.
I will close it down with a bit of homework for y'all. what is true love? Think about it for me.
Maybe it is just a rocker away from a pitcher of tea.

Late Night or early Morning.

2009-05-29T05:28:00.003-05:00

Okay it is a boo hoo time again. Okay I woke up and now finding it hard to get back to sleep. Life is getting tough to keep which days I am doing what. Between my appointments and John's I am running ragged. Tomorrow, I mean today I have two of my own and one for him.

Found out also I have catracts in both eyes just the right is wortse then the left. Have an appointment for that too. Blood sugar is skyrocking need to get it down to normal. Stupid pills I take raises it up, so it is a constant battle to keep it down. Well that is all for this moment. tell more after I find out.

Good day y'all

New day new post

2009-04-07T20:32:00.002-05:00

Not how to go for it tonight. Nothing really happeen except that I bought somebooks and personal items. OMG I have nothing to say. Now tomorrow I have alot to say. I am going to drivng out of time heading to a town named Waco. I have to take my stwp-father there. I am not happy about it, but I am the driver.
Well that is it so far. My feelings are just nuetral at the moment. nothing real important.

Oh I have another thing.
One of my friends is kinds in a scene that I am not happy about , but again what have I to say about it. she has to do it to get money on the table, just not something I would want her to get back into. She is in there and already has someone that want to cart her all the country and pay her for it. She didn't even talk about the fact that she has a child. I her the old her that is in the clubs. Same thing that happened to me. The old club feeling is easy to drop into and become that old person from there. I am not how I feel to share with her. Good thing is that we don't share on here. she is never looking at this like many of people. My friends list has dropped to like almost no one except two friends I have from out of the country. They know who they are. I guess blogging is like old news now and twitter is it. I don't have enough time on line to twitter my day.

Careful this might become a habit

2009-04-06T19:22:00.002-05:00

I am not sure what I am going to write about tonight. I really do not have many problems to place down tonight. Hmm I just know that I am till not as happy as I could be. Oh yeah I had to take the car down for a tire fix. Had a nail in my tire and it cost me 40 bucks to get it fix. Now that is something that I have done today. OH Wow.

Part 3

2009-04-04T23:09:00.002-05:00

well I once again went to the club and again a no show. I guess i SHOULD JUST LET THIS GO AND FORGET ABOUT THIS FRIEND. i HAVE GIVEN HER ALL THE CHANCES i SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ANYONE. Dang caps lock.

My life should be a happy one with the few friends I have and please know that I am retaful for them. They mean the life to me and I need them in so many ways. Just that four walls is just that four walls nothing more and nothing less. I have to have human contact, I need that hug.
What do I do? Do I just walk away and stand in a huge crowd feeling that I am one among too many?

I need this contact. I need the feeling that I have achieve something more then being a pet to John (step-father). Everything I do seems to include him I can never seem to get away from it. My room is my only haven from him so far but that will change when I have to move back into the house. Yeah that is a plan my Mom has in store for me. Then he will have there too. I just put on a happy face and just move on.

Well time for me to sleep and get some sort of rest.

Friday Part Two

2009-04-04T02:15:00.002-05:00

Gee whiz I can not go to sleep with all that is on my mind. Hard to quiet it down,just keeps running on and on. I keep thinking of the friend that I have not seen. I keep wondering if it is me that is the problem. Why can not I just find out so I can put an end to this?

I am sure I have not done anything to warrent this, but I am not sure. Been a couple of years since I have seen her so I do not know if I did something or not. that has been a life time if you know what I mean. All she is a friend and it should not bother me so that we have move on to different circles. Just something in the back of my mind that is nagging me so. I just want to know what I did to warrent this.

I would just like to die if I have hurt one of my friends feelings. My friend are all I have besides the little family about me. I mean all the friends I have I can count on one hand and still have fingers left. What does one do when in this situation? How do you confront this problem? How can one sleep knowing that you might have hurt someones feelings? To me such a thing would be hard to live with. Friends are like my family, and I am always there for them. I just feel the pain right now and I wish she had this site to read the feelings that I feel right now.

Please understand that this is just the feelings of some one reaching out that nothing harmful will come from this. as I have said many times before this is just Me and only Me. Guess that is what makes this so hard for me to live with. Just knowing that I have no one to really talk to about this and that a web page is the answer to log this in and hope for the best. One day someone will read this and be amazed at how I even made it through some of the hard ship. Me can you believe it a research subject telling all that is here and then some. I have like three years of stuff here and mush more to write when I have the chance and want to rant on about how I feel. Yeah I know there some of you that really care and are out there for me. Just at this moment I need that little bit that makes us all abit more human, the touch.... it is all in the touch. Not enough people give that little bit of a touch. Can be as soft as a butterfly's wing or simple hug. We all need this and I have missed many of years worth of it. Guess the tears in my eyes shows that I have a sensitive side to me. Nah I am not a momma's boy just a messed up one. Too many pills for too long of a time. I am even forgetting things more and more.

Well I hope this gets out to people and they learn alittle bit from this. My story is the truth and life can be hard. Remember if you have it hold on to it and fight for what you have. Don't give up or you might be standing where I am at. Think about it. Peace out y'all

Friday Night

2009-04-03T23:26:00.003-05:00

Well I went to a movie and kinda enjoyed it. Worst part is that I went alone. Seems to be starting a pattern. Need to find a friend some people that are like myself and willing to see movies. Alone is not a way to see a good movie. I am not saying that I do not have any friends, I just need the human contact to make things more real and fun.

I went to the clubs to see if I could find an old friend and she did not show. Guess that is a dead end and I can forget that part. Again time to move on. I realy felt out of place in the club scene, been way too long since I have done that. Why is it that I seem to keep losing people out of my circle. I have some there, but most of the people around me just up and disappear.

So I am just to go out there and I just to go out there and see what pops up as a friend? Sheech I just want a friend to hang with. Bar scenes are boring. can not drink have to enjoy a Diet whatever and then think I am having fun? Nah I like other things in my life, alittle conversation, maybe a hug. More people should hug. Hugs are good. Shows bonding and a sign of friendship.

Time for me to get hugs

friends

2009-04-02T21:33:00.003-05:00

Well tonight I waited to see a friend I have not seen in years and guess what? She was a no show. I am not sure if I am relieved or sadden that I have not seen her. She was a very good friend for some reason I lost touch with her. I almost wanted to cry from all the stress that I have had from waiting for her to arrive at the club. I still have a feeling I should let it go and just have the two friends I have. I really want friends and I have a couple, but I would like to have more. I have my overseas friend, she is the greatest and I haveone in washington she is my BFF. Both have gone through alot with me and I have had my times. Just I miss the hugs and the feeling of belonging. well I have some snack to munch on before Leo opens the bag.

more later

Note to self

2009-02-16T01:16:00.002-06:00

Guess I need to remember to write here as much as writing a short story, Take 5 minutes out of your time to write. Well I have to learn to do it when I have a chance. I have no real thing to write about tonight, but I have to think about it. Well let see if I have any thing in mind to write about. I am just ...... well this is short and not to any point.

Just me

2008-12-17T21:05:00.002-06:00

A little note tonight on how I am feeling. Well Christmas is just eight days away and I still have not feeling like it is the holiday. Missing people and no friends right here help with that. My Mom would just say either get over with it or what do you want me to do. She is totally clueless when it come to this. she just says that it scares her when I have issues and she is not sure to ask me anything. Hurts more when I am not included. Does it matter it does to me, but to others I guess not.

Well enough for now.

Wow How Can I follow that one.

2008-12-16T18:43:00.002-06:00

Man I think of that song all the time now. I feel like the last one there all the time. I know I have someone out there, but the miles are the factor. How do you cross a line that is over a thousand miles across. I just want to know that I have someone now. the warm hugs and the feeling of being loved.

The Holiday is the worst time for me. I have no one to get that special gift for. You have to have a special person to get that special gift for. I lost that chance when I divorced someone and now the feeling is there and no one to give it to. Man this is a bad time for me. No not gong to do anything stupid just in the blues.
Talk more later

Gotta Be Somebody

2008-11-21T00:19:00.001-06:00

The Lyrics speaks for the way I feel. very powerful song download it if you can and listen to it.

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

Migrane headaches

2008-11-07T22:50:00.002-06:00

Now we can talk about pain. Pounding and throbbing pain from the center of my head outward till I just can no longer look. Maybe I should go in on this and have it looked after. Well I just think it is the fact that I am trying to free myself of any sugar or any Carbs. Just a simple withdraw..talk about jonesing for things I can no longer having.

Doctor gave me a heck of a scare. saying that I could end up being like my step-father on dialsys for rest of whatever life I would have. Well that got my attention real fast. so I am losing weight but the blood sugar is still way too high. Talk about sending a person in a depression. Well that has happened and I am just laying in the dark trying to keep the throbbing pain down to a dull roar.

I have already said that depression hurts well I have pain from two areas my Heart and soul, plus the head now. I really hurt and I have no way to limit it yet. Working on it but it is a ways away. I have a hard time reading too.

Well enough for now. Pain too intense to continue at the moment. So I am going to say good nite.

Tuesday Night

2008-10-07T20:59:00.002-05:00

For those that know me I go through depression often enough to keep this blog going. I also have many other feelings anger, frustration, and tons more that I can list but will not due to time and space. For everyone problem a mental patient has there is another affecting something else. Thus the reason one like myself gets a handful of pills. I went through a panic attack just last night cause I could not find a DVD. I tore through everything I had looking for those DVDs. The problem they were staring me in the face. Right next to the DVD player. there they are.

Did I feel stupid yes? Do I need to clean my roo, yeah I have to clean the room. But somewhere when I did the tore through I hurt the hell out of my back. I have pain pills for it. Good ones too!!

The thought process I am trying to get through is that I am not a totally sane person, but I an not totally insane either. My problems started way back in childhood and have gone on since. From opening my mind to trying to hide the pain in my head when others also hurt. what do I do when I want to just sit in the darkness and sleep the day away. Easy way out. Copout is what a person might say. But it is the ones that do not know how I feel, I find hard to make understand. Many friends have seen the depths I can go and what darkness that can surround me. Please understand when one looks outside the box, one opens to what is out there. Yeah I have said this before so I am not going to go through that again.

Right now I am looking from above down on stuff, what I see I do not like. I have way too much trash items and alot of crap that needs to be removed. I reads too much mags and have no place to put them except the recycling. My room needs to be explored for what is there and remove all that does not need to be there. From stuffed animals to magizines. My life is the trash in between at the moment and I need to clean it up. I wish I had help, but that is not an option. So I have top go through every little bit at a time and find it a place to go to.

I have not talked about the voices. those little things that keep me awake at night and disturb me when I try to go through a thought process. What can I do? Turn up the TV to drown them out or just try to ignor them. One time it works one way and other times I have to do alot to shut the voices out. I no longer know who they are or whom I should help. I just want silence and sleep gets me there. Quiet mind ( BTW that is a title of a book that I have attemped to finish) one of many books I have about me. Each one is an escape. BTW I have not said in a while that I can lose myself in the world of a good book. Books are worlds to explore, more then just a printed page. I have always been fascinated by the printed word, alot lies in between the lines. Worlds to explore like a movie to watch and exploring requires a quiet mind and time I slowly digest the book as I go from page to page. Chapters are just another scene, the next place to go. Though I have found many of books that just annoy me and I place them by the side of a pyschotic road.

I am sure alot of people have come to the conclusion that I need help or just that I am fooling myself and shake out of it. I wish I could. That would be the easiest thing to do. I could just shake it off like walking a pain out in my leg. Nope that does not work that way. Guess that is why I use this medium to put down the words on an unquiet mind. You know my life pathway is many I stand at a cross road and watch other pass me by. I have no idea where to go anymore. I just watch as they pass by me while I stand at a cross roads. could I just be waitting for some event to happen or am I just waitting for the right person to come along and show the way. I thought becoming a Man of God would help me in looking that direction. All it has brought is more questions. The good book says this and it says that and if I follow it the right way I can be at the right place called Heaven. But does that make me a man of God or am I just another man wanting answers that I can not find. I know where to look and some books I read tell me things. I just know that I................

Well enough chatter for now. Time to take the pills

Friday Night

2008-10-03T19:40:00.002-05:00

Well another friday night and I am feeling abit lonely, depressed, and really down in energy. I went to a movie and a dinner. I decided to spend a little on myself for a change. I just wanted to have a little fun. Well I didn't and I juast had this feeling of needing to go pee for most of the movie. I hate that feeling, but be a diabetic and you have to pee every time the winds blow.

So I had to leave for a moment or two just to get some relief and I guess the movie stunk a little so it did not matter. I do have to say being away was fun then I have come home. I got my pills and now I can stay out here. I want.........

Well that is another matter I just ready for it to end.
I want my life back. I am about ready to make that jump, how ever I have to do it.

Well night folks time for the pills to silence things

Topic for tonight.

2008-09-24T21:57:00.002-05:00

Not sure what the topic will be tonight. I have not any type of insperation yet to work off of. I am just writing hoping something will grab me. well I am going to just work on it. something has to come to me.

Well I guess not for the moment?
Time to take the pills now.

Night all

Monday night

2008-09-22T20:52:00.002-05:00

well if you are wondering I am grounded now so Im am not having the feeling of falling. To explain that I think I need to explain the Falling thing. Some time when you encounter a person or spirit that is a negative power to my positive. I get the feeling of falling in a pit or I feel that I am still falling. If I as a positive am able to over power that effect then I feel that I need to watch out for anything that can happen.

Well I am doing all right and everything is fine.
What is weird is that I do not have anything else to talk about.
Well again it time to take the meds and quiet the voices.

Anyone have any questions I will be glad to answer any. Just to let y'all know anyone has this ability you just have to learn to open the box and step outside. Also to let you know once you do this you can not closes it up. Remeber not to lose yourself ever.

Night all

Little rant and small amount of rave.

2008-09-21T21:50:00.003-05:00

I am not sure where to start this one. I worked the Train to day and I had a so so day. Not really as much to do, just the normal grind of the job. clean up after people, fill trashcan liners, move seat about, turn up the thermostat, and the other thing that make a job. You see I volunteer for the Austin Steam Train Association. I get to watch others as they are having fun and after that then pizza.
Today it started to feel weird no idea. Guess two psychics in the same room. I kept feeling like I was falling sometimes. I am not sure if it was a psychic or an angel around a person or just a simple Aura. But the power round a person kept me on my toes.

You have a question in mind I am sure. What the hell am I talking about. The clash of energies or the energy of one of god's angels can cause me to put some distance between myself and other people. Thus can be the same way if the people are the power of an negative nature. As I think of it more. I think of it as more negative then positive. Positive would have me willing to talk to. I would want to be around the positive people. Positive people means positive aura. But today I felt that I needed to be on guard. To describe it my Aura is an armor like plate armor on a Knight. I bring it in close to me a shielded of power protecting me from the what ever evil or bad thing that might be in the area. I just had this feeling that I needed to be protected. Might have been my imagination, but I swear something was out there. I could feel it.

Rule number (1) never lose one's self. Main rule only rule that means anything. Never ever ever lose myself in a reading or lose myself period. I still feel it about me I just do not know what I am going to do about it. This a time when I need a friend near me, help me ground myself so I no longer can sense it in the darkness waitting on me, MY dogs keep things at bay. Dogs can see things thst most people put out of there minds. So far they are queit. Which means it or whatever I felt is not close.

Let me explain about dogs. Dogs see the vail, they can see ghosts, spirits and other things that can go bump in the night. Might be a reason I keep a dog around me. Ever have a dog that looks into a corner or place that nothing else is there. Well that is a time a spirit or something might be around you.

No I am not a Ghost whisper. I stopped that awhile back, part of the voices I hear. I do not want to pierce the vail. That is not an area that I want to go into again. Yeah I said that which means that I pierced that vail. Sometime to just prove I can be better then most. I used to look for the person that is calling out to me at the time. Sometimes I still hear them, sometimes I can not aviod them.

I felt the other day that I needed to help a girl. She was digigng in her purse for any change she could find, just fro a meal. I could not stop watching her. She needed the help and I had the means to help her get some food. I had to help. Simple easy just go up and say I understand that you need some help for food and it is on me. An Act of Kindness, a siumple act of just stretching out to help a soul that needed the kindness of a simple man. Why me? I thought as I walked away. I felt good and I felt that I got within someones safety zone. I still do not feel that I really helped, even though..........

Maybe I helped and maybe she might give another the chance to show a simple act of kindness.
In this Me way of life peoplke forget that we area we generation and not a just me way of life. We have to help each other to stand up. Could be just a hand, a simple meal or maybe just saying Hi. But it did not feal that I helped and it did not feel good. I needed a friend say I did a good thing. Maybe she was ina dark place and the light that surrounds me was a bit bright to her. I just wanted to sit there and watch her eat, to see that I had done a right thing. Do I really need that pat on my back that says atta boy. the warm fuzzy feeling of helping a poor person to get something to eat. I do not knonw anymore. Maybe I am crazy. Mayber I have already lost myself to the vail and I just do the bidding of the spirits about me.

Well time to take the meds, and hush the voices again for one nights sleep.

Depression and a close mind part 2

2008-09-18T22:17:00.002-05:00

I talked about how one feels when they are outside of society's cup. How the pain is a pain you feel and happiness is like a drug. Huge energy, bright glow, which I can see and flee. Auras are another thing you receive when you finally make it outside of the cup. You can also say outside of the box. New way of thinking, and happiness is the drug you hope for. As one talks to you you have the power. They are giving you the energy as you speak. The better you are at talking the more the energy you receive. Intoxicating you can almost feel drunk with the energy you are getting. Okay is this a good thing it does not matter you want it.

Just like when I use to read peoples lives I would fell drunk with the energy that I got. I slowly would read the path they are taking with just hold of their hand. That connection is a way to find them. The Paths of Life reading can be a connection you feel of one person. You have received from the person. You long to keep the connection but you have to ground yourself. This a way to get rid of the energy. Release to the universe so that one person is not the battery.

Battery mental energy that can be tapped. Ever have the feeling like your life is just be sucked out of you. Well that is because you are a person's Battery. The energy that you have about you is being used to power the person nearby you. Well that is how it works. You never know until you feel so drained. But like a battery you can disconnect from this person. Just ground yourself. First lesson never lose yourself in a person, never become the person sucking the life out of a person, plus never be the battery too. Being the battery is bad. Hence the emotional part of the lesson. What is next when you feel drained your own self will go in rescue mode. Anger is one way, saying bye to a person is a way to leave too. Get distance and then ground yourself. Some call it a sage smudging, meditation, and many other ways.

Forgive my rants. Just a small lesson. I wish that I could say that it is easy being a psychic. But being different can hold great power, greater feelings, and be sensitive can be hard just keep your head down and keep moving. sometimes you want to reach out and talk just talk cause then you
have a way to not be alone with all the thoughts about you. I was told by a therapist that reading a newspaper a day was a way to open up to people cause you would know what is going on about you. Never talk politics, never mention religion, people have a different view of God. the one that allows us to open our minds. The one question I would like to ask is why. Why you allow me to see more then others, why do I get to feel the connection, why do I feel the pain, what am I suppose to do with this. People don't believe me, I know what I feel. But people just look and point. Oh then the whispering starts, and it never stops. Never say you are a psychic. first question is "What am I thinking", should be what am I feeling? I do not read minds, I read feelings. Their paths in life is just a window into their mind, It starts in a room, their room in the pathway of life. Where they are at this very point, what they have there is what is their problems or what they have achieved. From there is a doorway is it open or is it a closed. I see it I can open it , but they have to make up their own mind. I just can't just open a door that is not to be opened. But I can see beyond it, I can see the possible ways they can go. pathways can branch out and go in any and every direction. turn right when you are ment to turn left, just changed paths. to love or to hate another pathway moved to. A single thought can change it. You can do alot by just making a decsion. That is why I say I can be like a butterfly wings, a simple hi and a smile can make a day. I just changed your path, just remember I care and I want to let you know.

STYX Come sail away

2008-09-07T17:59:00.002-05:00

This song has a lot of meaning to how I feel. My dreams travel I am just along for the ride. Dream state is a great way to check on long distance friends. Keep looking to that shadow I might be there checking on you.
I have guard many in the past lives that are slowly being revealed to me. My life has been a long surrounded by God. Never know we might have met. I am but wing brush away and your new direction might be faith. Go luck and enjoy.

STYX
Come Sail Away

Written by dennis deyoung
Lead vocals by dennis deyoung

Im sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain, so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But well try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

Depression and a close mind

2008-09-07T01:32:00.002-05:00

From the distance the voices call, and I try as I may not to listen. Having an open mind can be a curse. sometimes you hear too much, sometimes you learn too much. Feelings are just as open as a mind can be. What you find in the cup is safe for one, but I live outside of society's cup. Thus the issue, How should I think? How should I do, eat, sleep and what am I suppose to dream? I have been told in many way that I have a problem.
Anger is an emotion I seem to hide behind. I hate change and what it brings. Sometime it is not what everyone wants. I hate the yelling that goes on around me and sometimes I am more sensitive to the feelings that I try and hide from. I guess I need a place where I can hear a TV in the background. The voices hide from the TV, quieted by the noise. It can be any noise if it is loud enough to keep it at bay. Hence the Title Depression and a close mind.

If you did not know depression hurts. The pain can be unbearable to a point that you look for the release. some have released the pain by drugs, some by killing themselves and some have even been put in hospitals. Pain is always there, and depression is always at an arms reach and I should say that the pills do not help. In lots of ways it never did I just say at time that it does so that they stop prescribing more of them. Being a zombie is not how I want to live my life. But having the abilities of feeling others emotions is not good either. A person's thoughts and feeling should be their own and I should not have access to it.

How do you say that I gain access to it. Let me tell you how it can happen. Open your mind use more then the 10% doctors say we use. Look outside the cup and turn it around, look at it and see what it offers. Then listen, the more the people the more the voices, the more the voices, the more the feelings and now you feel what the person next to you is feeling. God help it is a kid and him/her is crying. Cause you want to do no more then stop it. Crying hurts it is a painful feeling and you want it to stop. As tears run down my own eyes, I try and move to the other side of the store or check out as fast as I can.
This is suppose to be a gift, a glorious gift of insight, you see what the future holds for others. they call it being a psychic and many do it and get paid for it. A true psychic will not take your money. A true psychic is more like me, hiding in the shadows not know what is real anymore and what is a false future. I see things as a room in the present with a pathway that goes out from the spot. How well you are doing in your life is how organize your room is. Mine is a room of walls or a pain that I feel most of the time. Again I say depression hurts and I love to close my mind. Again hence the problem. Once you open the door in your mind, you can not close it. Remember a teacher told me do not lose yourself. I have never lost myself I know where I stand. My pathway is clear to me, I just have to step beyond the shadow of a door. That doorway is hard to cross, cause I fear what might happen. Lost of a love one, pain and suffering of friend, the coma I call peace. All I have to do is walk ahead, a step of faith type of things.

Placing my life in the hands of God is a scarey thing. Trusting the Lord and he shall do what is needed by me. But I am one that they would call a heritic or one of the damned because of witchcraft. Man's mind is not suppose to be opened and we are suppose to be gratful sheep.
Remember the cup, it always comes back to the cup on the table. A vessel to be filled with life. I hold it, I look at it and I turn it about to see all of it from every side. I just can not go back in it and leave this that I have. Being a psychic is not a gift, for me it is a curse. I see too much and I feel too much, for it I have the pain.
Remember depression hurts.

Friday Night

2008-08-01T20:50:00.002-05:00

I got a chance to talk to a guy about being in a study earlier this week. Not sure now if I want to be in it. Y'all know how I hate too much change or too much stress. I have found that I have a problem when either something goes wrong or stops working.

Yesterday the fans in my room stopped working. talk about more heat in the room. Temp shot up in a heartbeat. I had to buy more cord and another connection. got the fans working.

Well I am playing a game talk more later

Options part 2

2008-07-21T21:04:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking tonight, okay all day. I have figures that I am living as a slave atm. Just do this and then do that. John is wanting to find another doctor to take him to. Searched the phone book to see if the name is there with a number to call. Nope no name no number,guess I am going to have to track him down cause John is killing us to find it. Says his left knee is not working. Problem is he does not use it, of course it hurts.

But what is it that I am ready to do? I am mere days from ending it. Time is almost right. I sleep in a room that is 95 degrees at the moment. I am sweating and I can not get a chance to sleep. Yeah I have fans, but I am literally boiling up. I have no answers any more, have no qustions either. I just want peace even if it means a living hell. already living one, so living one again gee what is one more. I rather be a spirit living among the living. I could enjoy that. just watching people every day.

Well enough for now.

Options

2008-07-20T21:56:00.002-05:00

Everyone should have these and should take the time to enjoy these. Reason is that some people in someplaces we don't have that chance. I have lost this and can not remember when it happened that I lost them. I greatly want it back. Options = a choice to make whether I want to do it or not. Now I just do it, no choice to choose from cause I have none.

I guess the one I want to do is walk a way. I really just want to walk away.

Caretaker and depression

2008-07-19T21:05:00.002-05:00

A subject of something that I know about. Well I have learned it the hard way. what it is like to be a caretaker. No choice in the matter. I was never asked would I do it. did you want to take your Step-Father to all his appointments, stay with him in the hospital Emergency room when needs be. I took it and went when needed. Yeah I did it and might do it again. But I was never given the option to do it. I have never had a chance to decide. I did not even raise my hand to volunteer. It just happened.

If you wondered if being a carertaker takes from your life? Oh yeah it eats at your very fabric, sucks life from you, takes years from your life. Here is a man for years made me feel like I was an inch tall. Yelled at me, degraded me at every chance he has. Blames me for alot of subjects he brings up when the time is needed to place me back in my place. Yells at me alot of the time. Oh yeah I feel grateful, I feel like to hell with this. But I wake up, take him where he needs to go, and help him wipe his butt when needed.

So what do I do. Most of the time I play a game on my computer, put my mind in a place that gives me a chance to forget. Go to movies and let life pass me by. Go to bookstores looking for a book to explain what to do. Searching for a voice that says I understand. My step-Father is wheelchair bound so he is not walking. I lift, I move, I steady, I drive and get whatever he wants. I have found in the waitting room that there is so many faces that looks like mine. It takes it toll on us and me. It takes a toll on all of us. We are waitting our lives away.

So where is the caregivers group where I can share the very feelings I have about this. I still have a life, which is placed on hold. No place to hide, not even my very room. I have a leash and it gets yanked. Now don't get me wrong, most nights I have to myself. But I can not just say that I want to do something. I have to ask if it is okay that I do something. Forty six years of age and I have to ask if I can leave. God help me. I am stuck with this and it is eating at me every day. There is no care group for caregivers. We are expected to jump when it comes our time. I lie to myself and smile when I do it. But deep down I just want to die away. I even want to stop everything.

Awhile back I called around looking for someone that would even give me a chance to talk. All I got was call here or go here. All of them would have left me in a place that I would not have a say i what happens to me. Yeah it was the looney bin. The House of crazy people. The answer would have been more pills and let me wander about like a zombie. You would not believe how I would almost just let it happen. But that is not the answer. Not fair to my mother to leave this on her. Lord knows what she would do. So here I write of my tale and let the words be free where my body is a slave. My mind just keeps holding in the feelings I have then I just keep going. Keep waitting for the next movie, the next DVD or the next book where I can lose myself for a moment.

Well until next time I will let it lie for now.

Wednesday Night.

2008-06-19T00:14:00.000-05:00

Evening folks I have been doing abit better in my days and nights. depression is about the same so I am just doing as average. Nothing so special that it jumps out except I have heard from a friend. she misses e as much as I miss her. Only problem that we have several countries in between us. Plus with all the imigration laws it is about impossible to see her now. Well I am still trying to figure it out if I can.

Caregiving wise I am still doing, got a new car out of it. With it comes the slavery I have to preform when called upon. Believe you me it is slavery now. It is the governments money with my credit. Step-father has like the worst credit I have ever seen. So I had to use my credit in it. Believe it or not I have better credit, amazed me.

Tomorrow I have to go the VA (Veteran Administration) no fun and I have to get up early to go there. Must arrive as early as we can so that we get him in and out. Hopefully we do not have to do the X-Rays of hihs left leg. He is hollering that it hurts. Not sure if it is truthful or just that he wants more pain killers. Tomorrow I find out about it. Hopefully I can avoid it as best as I can. we have too many things to do tomorrow too many appointments. I plan to catch a few zzz's if I can. Cause it looks like sleep is avoiding me tonight so far.

Well I am going to try to see if I can sleep now.
Night all

Good News

2008-04-10T18:05:00.000-05:00

After all the test I have been taken of. I am doing great, could be better, but it is great. there is some blockage in my heart but it is stable and not to worry. Doctor gave a couple of more pills to take and that is about all. If I have any more trouble of course to give them a call. So all you peeps out there worrying about me I will be around for a long while. So stop worrying!

More later as it happens

Test reports tomorrow

2008-04-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well I get the reports of all the test tomorrow. I am abit scared to get them, not sure what it will find. Hopefully good news.

Tell you more when it happens

Tomorrow April 8th

2008-04-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

well I have to go to the doctors to have a CTR scan of my heart. Guess the doctor has seen something in my EKG of my heart. I had a scan being done over a 24 hours time period. it was placed on me and I carried it about. First I was to see him on last Friday now it will be this Thursday at 12pm. He is going to run down all that he is seeing from all the test I have had done. Hopefully he can tell me what is wrong and how to fix it. Yeah I am alittle scared.

Tell you more after I learn it.

Evening

2008-03-24T00:07:00.000-05:00

Evening all I have a lyric to a song I like to share.

Vincent (Starry Starry Night)
by Don Mclean

starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land
now i understand what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for you sanity how you tried to set them free
they would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in vincent's eyes of chine blue
colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand
for they could not love you, but still your love was true
and when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
you took your life as lovers often do,but i could have told you, vincent,this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
the silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
now i think i know what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for you sanity how you tried to set them free
they would not listen they're not listening still
perhaps they never will.

This is something that I have sung in private and hope to soon be able to put to a cd and not sure but maybe I can post it on myspace too.
But sometimes I seem to know what was going on with Vincent Van'Gogh
you know it is hard for an artist to make it. He even lost his sanity poor soul. Sometimes I feel I have lost mine in a swirl violet haze, and placed on a small shelf some where. There I sit and watch the world. It is a safe place so I don't think I could be hurt, I just don't have it for a time.

Soory for the deep thoughts just a small note from my little shelf.
Night all

Friday Night - Do you see me?

2008-02-29T21:55:00.000-06:00

As I stand in a central place. I look about me. A world of color and a world of greys. Pictures of my memories.

I have been thinking about the world I live in and how it affects me it is just a small things that has stuck in my mind. I have been going through a phase I guess who wondering how I see me.
Could I be just a small note in my own life or am I just standing in one place? I perceive that I am just standing in a place and watching about me. Maybe I should take a photo and see what I can see in it.

more later

Friday night

2008-02-15T22:03:00.000-06:00

Well a new note and a little bit of how I am doing. Well hard thing to do cause of how I am doing. Fair thing I have to say is that I am now on insulin. Means I have to give myself a shot every evening. Yeah give myself a shot of insulin. If that does not sober you up then what will. Life is hard to do with right now. I have to lose the weight and get myself off of this.

Well I hope to have more to say then this tomorrow.

Part 3

2008-01-11T22:01:00.000-06:00

Howdy well this is the part 3 of this subject. I have yet to tire of talking about this. alot has gone on and I think that I should voice it. thank god yesterday I went out. felt good to get away from this, but no matter how long I get away I am back to the mess that this is. He is still not walking, and supposely he is having pains sitting ina wheelchair. He sat in one today for over 6 hours, and he choose to do it that long. So the pain is not there and he is just not wanting to do it. doing it would be walking and getting btter. He wants us to wait on him hand and foot.

I am not sure how long we can continue to do this and not sure how long I want to do it. This is really hard ona person and it eats away at a person's life. My Mom I am not sure how long she is going to take it. if she leaves I am stuck with him, something I guess she has not thought of. I have no place to go and I have no income enough to pay for a place that will take dogs. so again I am stuck. Guess it is a good thing I have the dogs or I would have left long ago. I want my life back, I want to go out, and I want to see my friends at times. all of this without having it come back to haunt me when I am done with what I am doing.

Well enough for now.

Morning after

2008-01-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

Well I got up early and had to do things for John before I did a thing for myself. I had to get his wheelchair so he can get in it and wander about. Not even 5 minutes in it and my Mom gets home. Can I say furious about matters. she went off like a roman Candle and had to start hollering. I felt sorry about John and I felt sorry for myself because I did.

Mom said well you got up early ( meant to me) and I see he is in his wheelchair. she had to empty he bag. He has a bag that he pees into through a tube going up inside him. His nurse is with him now and should cool down the situation for a time. Again my Mom got out for her work out and again I am in my little guest house hiding. Guess I am going to stick it out here today. She can handle him.

I just don't feel like I am appreciated or whether I can get a chance to eat breakfast. Guess today is going to be another of those days.

Happy New Year, yeah right

2008-01-03T21:37:00.000-06:00

Well it is the New Year and I am not feeling like I should be here. for the past few months I have been having to playing care giver to my Step-Father. all the while I have been seriously depressed. The Meds are working some what but it is not taking the edge off of the depression. I can never seem to get out any more and I can not seem to get away from my Mother. That is the only time I seem to be able to be myself. I try to stay in my room as much as possible, like over sleeping late. When I have been really wanting to stay fully from what is going on. I just have this feeling that I can never get away.

Well lets get to what happened to place me in this position. Step-Father has a hip facture and needs to have surgery and now thinks that he is totally disable and lies in bed all the time. I have to help him up, get him to a potty chair when needed, wipe his butt, cloth him at times, feed him at times. of course my Mom does the rest, but she gets out in the morning leaving me here with him, again a reason I try to sleep late.

It just I feel that I will never get away. No job, no classes, no anything thing in my life. I sit here on the computer at night hoping that this will go away. Well............... it is not that I want to end my life as much as it is to end what is going on and be able to do something else.

I am putting on what I feel cause this is the reason for the blog, just abit late in getting back on. I think I am just hoping every morning that this will be done and over with it. every morning I wake to it and much more. My Mom is not happy when we get to talk. He will not allow her to sleep at night, and she threatens to leave like she has a choice to leave. I have to talk to her to stay. She married the person, she should be doing this and not me. I should be able to decide if I want to do this with my life and here is where I stand now. Does not look good and no therapist in sight. this is the only place I have to talk about this. Of course only a few of you knows about this blog and only a few of you can hear me when I yell out loud here. Okay I am not yelling out loud outside I am yelling on the inside and hoping every night that as I go to sleep that tomorrow will not be the same.

Another small vote

2007-11-05T17:27:00.000-06:00

I have had the flu form the past couple of days. I have been spending most of my time in bed, getting rid of this crud. I hate the flu. Justletting you knwo what is happening at the moment.

Small note to all

2007-10-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

Just to let you know I am still out here. sorry I have not kept my promise of typing on this blog. Well alot has happened here at the house and I have been doing alot. My step-father has been in and out of the hospital for the past month and a half, with him being in Rehab at the moment. Yeah he fractured his hip and had to have surgery on it. They moved him to Rehab today and tomorrow starts the work of getting him in shape to walk again. Boy do they have their hands full with him.

So you can say I have been stressed out with all that has been going on. We get him back from the hospital. and then something else would happen and back he would have to go. I of course would have to stay at the hospital with him during the day, so I have been coming home tired and forgot to let everyone on here know what was happening. Sorry about that.

As for myself I have been to worried about him to think of how I need to work on myself and get out in the world. I am still here so don't worry I just have a lot to deal with at the moment and will try to keep the promise of putting things up here more often.

Small note

2007-09-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

Just a small note to let you know that I am still alive and doing fair.
Still here, just doing it with a headache as I get rid of a medication forom my blood stream. Going through something like withdraw and having headaches. A small nap takes care of it, or some food with a couple of pain killers.

Like I said just a small note.

Counciling

2007-08-15T20:44:00.000-05:00

What a farce! they keep you hostage till they talk to you. I had someone say that I sound like I have something totally different then what I have. She is trying to undermine the disability. Guess this is the first and only time I am going there. I am not going to go there again, nor will I be held hostage like that I hate the feeling.

Not leaving much of a note this is just saying I have an appointment with the real people that know my case.
I hate having my intelligence insulted by a bunch of people that want me to fill out a piece of paper that made me look stupid, when I tried to fill it out. So the best thing is not going back. Yeah I need to call them. I will tomorrow and make the change. I am looking for a place to listen to me, not make me fill out a form to try and figure out what happened. I need a person to listen to me.

Well time to say night.

New Post

2007-08-10T18:59:00.000-05:00

Just dropping a line to say I am going to a therpist on Monday and will tell more after that.
Hopefully it will do some work for me.

Take care all

Hey here is a post

2007-08-03T16:31:00.000-05:00

Guess I need to post something here. Been awhile for me to write here. I have been in a blue funk and I am working on it. did an extra job for Friday night Lights the other week and I have not been doing it like daily nor weekly. I just have a wait thing problem going at the moment. They must be having a problem cause they post a whole list of extra stuff for people to get involved then.

was going to post it but it is all bunched up and needs to be sorted out. Which I am not in the mood to do all by myself ATM. I just feel like I am going to go back to reading in a boook I got.
Only have about ten chapters left. BTW these are huge chapters too.

Where did I leave off?

2007-07-09T20:58:00.001-05:00

Been awhile since I have talked about this?

Well to start with I have figured out that I can work ever again or I lose my benefits. I have been told by to many people that I can not work or I lose everything. Which is why I have a problem with this.

Another is that it provokes a rage inside cause I am so lost that I can never really get back into the work stage. Man I hate to think that I am going to have to work or budget myself ofr the rest of my life or try what evere I can do to get some work.

well I have to stop for now I will continue more later.

Happy Birthday to me

2007-07-05T23:02:00.000-05:00

Yupe it is my birthday today and I am doing nothing about it. I wanted a quiet and uneventful day. I got just what I asked for. Talk about be happy and I am. I got various emails from people and I thank them. I also got a couple of phone calls from people and I was glad to get that. I just did not get a singing of Happy Birthday, and I am glad for that. Good god I am 45 years of age and do not need to be reminded of it.

I'm doing nothing to getting myself ahead of getting some work that I can keep myself disability. That is going to be a hard thing to do, but I have an idea of it.

Well enough for now.

Night all

New Laptop

2007-06-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

Yippers I got a new laptop and now I can like type while in my bed. Though the computer is like only about 6 ft from my bed I can now be lazy as heck. Leo is not to sure about this because I have the ac cable connected and he is having to get near me with a cable in the way. This is able to be taken with me and I might be able to get some mmore work done on my novel. Of course i have to first get it started. Well here is to the new laptop and the first of my gifts.

Nite all

Standing and pondering

2007-05-26T21:34:00.000-05:00

Well now I walk about wondering what is going on? My mind is still open and expanding. I have to know can I really make it working and can I work without the paranoia? I never know what it is I am thinking of. I mean it is hard to put down on words what I am thinking sometimes. I know the last two post were talking about the happy things and how we expand by moving in the universe.
Well I am scared to death that I am not able to work without having the paranoia affect me. I have this issue where I see people as a threat and not a help. My thoughts seem to be open to the idea of working but I am afraid of being in the work place. Too many people and too many minds. So how do I get rid of the voices? How do I close the mind off to too many people in one place?

Well I am going to ponder this some more.

More just sitting there

2007-05-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

Well I have been sitting here thinking some more on the subject and I have found that one person can change a world. Just thinking of the ping pong ball on a rat trap in a room. Drop one ball and watch how it effects all the others. Just by a touch it sets off the balls through out the room. So can be said about one person, one ping pong ball and one touch. You just have to make sure your touch is a good one and not the other. Nah I am not smoking any weed, I am talking to you totally sober. Just open the mind, remove the box and think outside the lines.

The marvels of work one open mind can do, the Christ like experience it is called. Was man/woman placed on this earth to do the miracles of life or just stand by and watch it happen? I believe each and everyone of us can do things. Each and everyone of us has the abilities to do great works, we just need to choose that path. A simple path of honoring one self and placing your life in the hands of the Lord. Nah I am not getting on a soap box and start spewing out scripture. I just want you to start looking outside the lines of known things and think about the universe as it is. Think of it as life exist on a planet like ours out there. Someone like myself at this very moment is typing on a blog or in a journal about this very subject and thinking I am not alone. Lord I am not alone! Sci-Fi tv, books and movies allow us to think outside of the box. Creating a situation, star Trek was a ship that is able to travel and explore the universe by leaps and warps. Dr. Who travels via the TARDIS through time and space. Our minds can do the samething travels be leaps and bounds just open up.

You think why would I type about this, why would I do this? Cause I am in a zone where life means more to me, then a partner. I have everything I need at my finger touch or a brush stroke. I create by thinking and then sharing to you. I start out by giving you an idea to think upon and then let you create by thinking on it. That one subject has expanded by two or four possible hundreds. All it takes is just a chance to think upon it. NJow if I can find that one person that want to travel with me. There are lots of thoughts to think on, alot of books to read, many places to see and share. Guess I need to find a book club and join in the conversation. BTW words can travel by leaps and bounds. Right now somewhere out there they are watching reruns of "I love Lucy" and thinking what are these people made of. Who knows they might be laughing at us.

Well I have rambled enough for now. Think it is time to just sit and think.

Sitting here

2007-05-22T20:33:00.000-05:00

I am just sitting here wondering how much peopple read of this. I know of a few that keep an eye on me? I am doing just fine, just wondering how big is my world and how far out does it reach? You never know it might be as big as the universe, or as small as the town. i could be as tall as a mountain or just a normal person. I vote for the normal person. Just an average everyday person.

Now do not get me wrong I think I have an impact on things around me. I believe that a slight touch of a wing of a butterfly can change a person's direction. Just saying hi or a smile can brighten a day. As much as a rude jesture can make a person feel bad or even mad. So why does the world go with a rude jesture then a simple wave? A wave can mean that we are sorry and we recognize that we did a bad thing. Just a simple wave, a simple smile or even a pardon me as you let the person go by.

I think I will ponder this abit more.

I'm Back

2007-05-09T22:04:00.000-05:00

just a small post to say that I am back and feeling somewhat fine. I am having to re-adjust to the medication. My doctor switched my medication back to what they were so I can guess I can now sleeep through the night. Now I can atleast get some rest. Before I was waking up in themiddle of the night and having a hard time getting back to sleep. Now I can get back some of the rest I need.

Well I just wanted to let people know I am doing okay.

Just a small note from this evening.

2007-05-03T21:22:00.000-05:00

hey howdy folks:
Just wanted to leave a small note on how I am doing. The pills are not working to keep me a sleep and I need to get over to them and get the pills changed back. I am having problems staying asleep and I am not able to sleep during the days as I have always done.
The though of suscide are back and stronger then ever. I am having a problem being able to keep them back. That is not a reason to worry. I am just having to take more of the pills to get to sleep now. plus some extra to get the sleep going.

This is cause I am writting my feelings down so I can keep the feelings I am having from coming stronger then I can handle. Please note I can handle these and I can keep from doing anything stupid. I just have to watch what I do. tomorrow a movie and hopefully the end to this dang flu. Spiderman 3 is out and I am to anxious to wait. I could have gone tonight but I wanted to sleep. so tomorrow first show will be it. I will see the moive. Can not wait.

Well night all.
Phil

Okay now for the current stuff.

2007-05-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

I am sick at the moment and I am having problems with the flu. feeling good in the morning then getting the chillls in the evening. so far this is the third day of this crud. Hopefully I am on the outs with the flu and be back on my feet later. this just a small note.

2007-05-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

another photo of cars and stuff on the railroad. This is a caboose. this is usually on the end of the trains. Railroad code has taken many of theses off the rails. We use these for parties. I hear this is a fun place to be.

Inside rail car

2007-05-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of the inside of a rail car built back in the 1920's. alot of the original equipment is still on here. From the chair seat back that move back and forward, to the original luggage rack above. These are old and enjoyable. Heating and AC is by windows only.

Enjoy the photo

2007-05-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

here is a photo of the cars from the railroad outside while sitting at Burnet Tx.

Thought you might enjoy seeing stuff I am doing

girl sleeping

2007-05-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

Here is the picture that I mentioned before.

enjoy

I ahd a wonderful time on the train.

2007-05-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

I found this girl and bought a rail road dressed bear she was so happy that she fell asleep holding it. I could not resist taking a picture of it.
hope you enjoy it.

Just a small note

2007-04-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

well the headaches have stopped to a point. I no longer have one that just seems to be on the right side of my head. Of course I am taking Aleve that seems to kill most of the pains I have, including my back. I have also started taking a med called Joint MD. seems to be working, the pain in my back is lessening. Which is a good thing.

My life is still at a boring point. I need to find something that is exciting. I hope the audition for the play of "My Favorite Year" with the Zilker Hillside Theater will be just enough to liven me up. I love to be on stage and I love to hear the roar of the crowd.

Well I am going to bed I just wanted this to be a small note so people can know that I am still blogging. Night y'all

Hey y'all

2007-03-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

well it is about time I wrote to y'all out there. I need to do this more. Yeah I know I have been saying that for awhile now. well I am going to try, just that I really don't have much to say. I a still wandering about with nothing to do sometimes, and the headaches are just absolute splitting at times. I have another doctors appointment in april 6th and I will be discussing this with him. My PTSD is getting worse at times, it is taking over my waking mind. You can say the past haunts me so, and I have not figured out how to battle it. I hope the doctor will know.
Headaches are not what I look forward to , but I have them none the less.
well enough of this for the time. I will write more about it as things go on.

Night all

Hey howdy

2007-03-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

thought I just post a small note to all out there. I am doing fine, even though I made like a huge fall yesterday. Yeah I slipped and fell, what a dummy I fell like, and hurt myself. I hit the side of my desk chair and brused a small part of my right side of my face. I also hit my temple area so I have abit of a headache still. Do I feel like an idoit or what?
I am doing fine and healing just as well as I can . Do not worry about me, just as long as I do not take another spill, like a boxer that has been KOed.

There will be no picture honoring this fall from grace. Believe it was not graceful and it hurt alot. I think I also brused my ego too or that my elbow that still smarts abit?
Well I thought that I would leave a note to this event just so you know I am human.

Just thought y'all should know this. Night y'all

Mucho Headache

2007-03-07T23:34:00.000-06:00

Just a note about problems I have been having. Lately I have been getting horrible headaches. well I go to the doctor tomorrow and maybe he can help with these headaches.

Well the regular dose of pills I take is starting to work and I am getting drowse. well I am heading to bed just wanted the to make a note of what is happening.

Hey howdy folks

2007-03-05T23:08:00.000-06:00

well another chapter in this saga I call life. Hiya y'all just wantesd to post some more things that are going on. 1. I am back in my room after not having power for a week. Had the handy man come out and fix that real quick like.
2. I got poison Ivy. I hate poison Ivy I am deathly allergic to the stuff. If it is in the air I get it.
3. don't have a 3 yet but I am working on it.

Well I still working on the idea of putting some of this in a book. I am sure that this my help someone out there with the same thing I have.. Just not sure how to put it together. I am heck of a thinker, just not a man of many words or how to put it down on paper. I live with a dictionary and have to look up the five dollar words every time I think I have them correctly written down.

Oh wow I just checked the Zilker Hillside theater website and they have the audition dates down and I think I am going to get my email in ahead of time. I would like to be ready for this.
Hopefully this time I can get a real acting part in this show. they know that I can handle it.

Audition Dates and Times...
Auditions will be held on Saturday, April 14, 2007 (10 a.m.-6 p.m.), and Sunday, April 15, 2007 (6-10 p.m.), by appointment only. Appointments will last approximately one hour.

A Brief Synopsis of the Show...

My Favorite Year, based on the 1982 film of the same name, is a good old-fashioned musical comedy. The film starred Peter O'Toole and Mark Linn-Baker and was directed by Richard Benjamin. It tells the story of Benjy Stone, a comedy writer who looks back fondly at 1954, when he was getting started in the business, fell in love for the first time, and had the opportunity to meet his childhood idol, the movie star Alan Swann. Though the overriding tone is a comical one, the score deals very poignantly with the issues of parental abandonment, and with our societal notions of what heroism is all about.

Well I hope to get a part this year.

Well another day another problem.

2007-02-28T17:46:00.000-06:00

Just to let you know I am not in the guest house at the moment. I have no electricity in the place. I am having to have a repair person to work on it. will njot be until Friday before I am back in the place. Alot of stress from this, I am having to sleep in the guest room of the main house. The strain from having all the dogs in one place is occurring. The dogs are having a small problem blending in during the night. Leo does not like the sleep arrangements and he is bucking it. He wants to be in his place and so do I. I am not able to really watch the shows I like even though there is a TV in that room.

Well I will write more later.

Sorry for taking so long to post

2007-02-21T23:27:00.000-06:00

Well just to let you know that I am doing fine. I am rather busy doing stuff around my house and helping my mother. She is keeping rather busy with odd jobs here and there.
weather is finally getting to be turning abit warmer, so it is time to get the yard into shape. soI am working on the lawn.

Hopefully I will get a chance to take a break every now and them.
Night all just heading to bed for now.

Friday night

2007-02-02T21:42:00.000-06:00

Hiya folks :
well I am doing well and I am working to get my weight down. Yeah I have to lose the weight. diabetes is kicking my behind and if I don't get it under control I will have to do insulin and I do not want to do it. The doctor said that I was heading to the shot in leg thing. I hate the idea of the shot, less then that I having to do it myself. so I took the first steps to get it done. I am walking to get m,y weight down and changed the eating habits. More greens and less sugar type items.

well more about it later.

Tonight Sunday

2007-01-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

Howdy folks:
Tonight I decided to write alittle in the blog. I was hoping that maybe someone out there is reading this and wondering what is going with me? Well to tell you, there is not much going on with me.
I am watching a TV show, it is a hallmark movie.
Not bad, I got to say I enjoyed it.
about me, guess I am feeling okay. I hope everyone out there is doing fine. I think I will be doing some train time. I need to see people and I need to get more. I am just sitting here in front of my TV and computer doing absolutely nothing. Yupe you heard me right just doing nothing. God I need something to do.

Well enough for now.

Cabin fever

2007-01-18T18:06:00.000-06:00

well I finally got out. we have had been trapped inside by a severe ice storm. Ice on the roads was several inches thick. Well today it was warm enough that the roads are now cleared and we were able to get out and go to the food store. We have gotten the week rations of food and now through with getting out. I have to make up an appointment tomorrow with the doctors at 8:30 in morning. Means that I have to get up really early. guess mucho cups of coffee wil;l be needed.

Found out today that coffee is good thing to get rid of some of the effects of Diabetes. Well three cups is needed so I am going to start out with three cups of coffee in the mornings with breakfast. Health wise I am doing some what okay. No problems with depression so far but the normal wave of it has not hit for this month. Guess I am doing more to get rid of it.

Well I am going to talk more later.

How about that

2007-01-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

Well I got called by the Casting crew of Friday Night Lights. They need me to come down and be a parent. LOL Me a parent. I knew that I was going to be remembered for something. A parent extra for Friday NIght Lights. LOL
Well I have to be ready by 2 pm and will be there for whatever life brings. I see by the extras website that it is going to be a long day and might be a long night. I don't know about the long night but I have a book and somewhere I have the frequency number of their mics. I like to listen on what they have to say. it is abit funny to listen as they try to do the shoot.

Well more about it later.

doing fine

2007-01-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

Just a note that I am doing fine.
I wanted people to know that everything is okay.
Promise to put down so more words tomorrow.

Take care

Garden work

2007-01-08T11:42:00.000-06:00

well it looks like I am going to be digging holes todays. Mom bought 5 roses bushes and need for me to dig my way through to planting all of them. Next few days is just as busy. I will be taking step-father to doctors both days. Meaning lots of work to do. nothing to worry about just a bunch of appointments he needs to do.

I am well and doing fine. Just playing a game into the morning at times. I need to get to early tonight though. I like to play the game way too much.

Take care

Thursday day

2007-01-04T11:02:00.000-06:00

Howdy y'all
I am having abit trouble at the moment. I have a headache that seems not to go away. I have tried about everything. I am not sure if it is the pills or an allergy. Hopefully it is not a cold. I have been laying down and allowing myself to rest. Trying hard as I may from playing my game.
I have gotten into World of warcraft. It is like Everquest and D&D mixed together.

The Holiday has been good to me. I went to my Fathers place and New Years day meal which has become a thing to do every New Years day. I seem to be fixing computers even when I am somewhere as a guest.

Feelings wise I have been semi good. I have been able to be happy, but sometimes I want to left alone. Guess that is where the game comes in. I can try and stay away from folks. That is part of my make up ATM. It is a trigger response of my feelings. It gets me away from most folks and once I have talked to people then I can just go somewhere else and get away.
Little hard when you are in someone elses house.

Well I am going to rest some and I will post more later.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T23:17:00.000-06:00

Well it is the night before christmas and no one is stirring in the house.

Just thought I would drop a line and say Merry Christmas.
God Bless you everyone

Another day and another posting

2006-12-21T21:46:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone I thought that I needed to write something here to let people know that I am fine. I have just been up to my ears in christmas shopping and getting ready for the day.

for the first time in years I have no idea of wwhat I am getting from my family. I have even filled my Mom's stocking already she has no idea taht I am doing it. I got her the new hallmark keepsake singing snowman. She loves it and is happy. This is the time of the year my Mom loves the most. I can not wait till she sees her stocking.

Well not much more going on.

Take care and Happy Holiday

tonights fun

2006-11-28T21:56:00.000-06:00

Well I have no idea what I am thinking now. Yeah the pill calms me down and allows for thought, but I have not had a real want to lie down and do nothing. I have been up and looking at the documentation for American with Disabilities act. I have been trying to find out what I am entitled to get these days. In other words I want to know my rights. Yeah I have rights on being Disabled. Believe it or not Mental disabilities are included in the law. Just that it seems to only allow for employment and no real education for adults. It allows for the young to be in the law, but seems to skirt adults with mental problems.
I have looked all over the net for any relief for what I have and I seem to find out that I am not real entitled to much. This is not good for others like myself. I atleast have enough sense to know that I can fight for more rights and I can research the laws to find out wherethe laws start and where they seem to drop us off the edge.
Alot the laws seem to allow for some loss and gives non-profits leway from the laws. seems 501c are allowed to get off from the law or do they. I am researching this through what I can like the internet sites that of the us government but I am at a loss to finding some of the laws.

Oh sorry I seem to be rambling. I will try and see if I can tie this up.
Guess I need to research some more about this.

Depression Hurts. PLease do not worry about me.

2006-11-28T17:47:00.000-06:00

Hey here is a new discovery to me. I just found out that I might not be in a play Big River. Here is the e-mail I got. PLease note the yellow letter area. This is what tells me that I am not in the play.

Hello,

We would like to " thank you" for participating in our auditions for
TexARTS' production of BIG RIVER.
We had a huge turn out this time and we're thrilled with so many
talented performers. Unfortunately, the show has a very small cast
of characters (especially for women) and parts are doubled. We also
stayed true to casting our younger roles with TEXARTS students(From our Junior Academy and our College Track) and Austin talent. We will fill the rest of the ensemble with our students enrolled in our Winter Intensive.

We hope we will see you for our next audition in the spring for the June
production of CAROUSEL - we will need a huge dancing and singing ensemble.
(This production will be choreographed by Rocker Verstique).

I was originally going to be in the ensemble, but do to the fact that I did not pay to take a class I am not going to be in the play. Fair? This is not a fair thing. Can they do it? Yipper they can do whatever they want to.

Now here is where I come to realize something about Depression. One thing I dropped from the happy high to deep depression. A real bummer of a feeling. To think that the hard work I did in the Audition was all for nothing. I got told I was going to be in it and I did not do a possible Audition for another play do to thinking that I was in this one. Well I have found out that I hurt all over, and this is from the depression.

Anger is another of the feelings I have and I do not have an outlet for this. I am snapping at everything and I just can not stop it. I want to hurt myself or someone in the area. Problem hurting oneself or someone else is not a good idea. It gets you into a hospital and locked behind doors that I can not leave from. So that is not an option. Not that I do want to hurt anyone or anything I just am stating the fact of how I feel.

What to do about this? I have no idea so I just thought that I would talk about it here. I want to throw myself on the floor Like a child and kick and scream. But that is not a mature look I want to see in myself. I just have to know that for a fact it is not right for me to do anything about it. so I am just going to lie down in my bed, take a pill and calm myself down. I guess I will read my book and find a way to get it out of my mind. I just can not believe how quickly it hurts to think I did not get the chance to be on the big stage. I just want to act, I like the thought of being in front of people acting on the stage. A feeling I can not begin to explain how it feels. I just want it to be there.

So here is another thing that I have gone through and now I have placed it here so others can learn from this blog.

Take care folks and God bless.

Happy Day after thanksgiving

2006-11-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

I am doing well and just needed to drop a line so people know that I am doing well. I had a semi-nice time with the relatives. I had to get out and go see a movie. went to see Deja Vue which was worth paying for it. Go see it if you get a chance, well worth it.

Well I am just sitting down for mos t of today and doing nothing. Nothing Hard and just vegging.
So what can say? I am do nothing at all.

BTW I wish I was on the beach doing nothing. I could get use to that. Of course I would have to live in a house on the shore and I would have to have a beer, deck chair and deck to just do nothing but watch the waves come in. Oh and there would have to be girls in Bikinis to finish out the dream.
Now that I could love.

Well enough for now.

Whoa I let this go to long

2006-11-20T22:11:00.000-06:00

Sorry folks for not writting here. I have been busy doing everything that is needed. Like doing things for the family. We are getting ready here for Thanksgiving day. Time for turkey dinner with all the dressings. Mucho yum.... love to eat turkey!

I have been doing somewhat well, just can not get into writing here and any other place. I have been having headaches and being tired. Just do not know what is going on with me, but I am okay. Don't worry I will be okay. This is just a short note.

I will make this longer tomorrow.
Night all

2006-11-16T21:43:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of my EX. Okay this is her at age 29. Enough said. Just wanted you all to know what she looks like.

Finally Freedom!!!

2006-11-16T21:33:00.000-06:00

Well the divorce is final now and I am FREE!
Lord does it feel good to be able to say that I am single again. Not that I was dating anyone, or sleeping around, or even on the hunt for somebody. I mean if I wanted to I can now go on a date. i can chose to do whatever now.
All this time I have been faithful to my vows. I have not dated , slept with or even persude a woman. I kept thinking that it would be fun, but I was still thinking of the vows. Vows mean everything to me. I would never have crossed the line between...... Please understand I would have never done anything to compormise my vows. I would have to divorce her before I can , I mean could date.
Well enough said.
Night all

Thursday Night

2006-11-09T21:12:00.000-06:00

well I bought a new phone and it has cool toys that go with it. I am happy that I have a new toy. Boys and their toys. I love toys.

Well I put out some more photos for everyone to look at. I hope y'all like them.
Night All

Oh Tomorrow is Football night I should have some more photos to put up.

2006-11-09T21:11:00.000-06:00

Just cheerleaders doing a routine for the contest.

2006-11-09T21:09:00.000-06:00

Okay a picture of me. Yeah I know it is abit bright

2006-11-09T21:08:00.000-06:00

FNL Football players. These are the actual actors.

2006-11-09T21:07:00.000-06:00

Here is a place we were at filming Friday Night Lights. The cheer team was entered in a Cheerleader contest. This is a actually real contest too.

2006-11-08T21:24:00.000-06:00

Picture of the stage at the Paramount. I am going to be on this stage!!!!

Wednesday night

2006-11-08T21:19:00.001-06:00

Hey Howdy folks. I am doing just fine so far and I am happy to say that I am going to be in a play at the Paramount. I am so happy. I am going to be in the chorus but I am okay with that. I am going to be on stage at the Paramount. That is a huge honor. This is a stage that has some history to it. Texas history at that!!! I can not wait to get the chance to be there.
I promise to get photos of it.

Well it is time to say good night.

2006-11-08T21:19:00.000-06:00

Okay this is a picture of me and Leo is in my lap. also in this picture is a friend of mine and her daughter. Think this is a picutre of my birthday party, not too sure of it.

2006-11-08T21:13:00.000-06:00

This is another shot of the cast working out a part before the show.

2006-11-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

This is a picture I found on my moms camera. This is of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers cast on stage. They practiced alot of the time while people were setting up their blankets for a show.