Mondays suck

Well it is Monday and I am starting to hate waking up so early just to go to class. I still have thoughts of why I am still here. I should be dead. I should be laid up still in the hospital. I have a question that is haunting me, What is the reason for me to still be around ? Nobody seems to know and I can not find an answer in a book. This so whacked and it is bothering me that I have to live with the memories as they start to flow back in.

Yeah I am starting to realize that I have majorly screwed up. I have no idea what is missing in the brain nor do I have any idea what I lost. I have found out that math is harder for me to complete. I just do not under stand nor can I contain it for a long period. t

So what am I to do? I have no idea what is my plan of life nor the purpose of me being here. That bothers me greatly. I should have not survived the last attemp and what is to keep me from another attemp? I really have no reason. School is not the answer, I am realizing. So what to do now? I will have to think of something. I have to make life have purpose, I need that feeling.

Well enough for now. I can no longer talk about it with out the wonder and thinking of how to do it. Maybe there is a site for how to do it and all I need is to find it? I better stop this I am scaring myself.
TTFN

A Friday Night

Well long time no write, I guess. Well lots has happened to me. I have enrolled in college and going to keep that promise to me by sticking to it. It will be hard and I know it but I am bound and determined to do it. No one is going to talk me out of it.

A Friday Night

Well long time no write, I guess. Well lots has happened to me. I have enrolled in college and going to keep that promise to me by sticking to it. It will be hard and I know it but I am bound and determined to do it. No one is going to talk me out of it.

Alone part 1

Yeah it is time to write a little about being alone in this world. I have feelings about this daily just have no real way to relieve it. Not that i have thought against using like Match.com or one of the others to find a potential life partner or some one for right now. It just seems that I have to watch as those about me wander on together as I walk a lonely path going no where real fast.

I did an act of kindness to a guy and his girlfriend. they seemed really hhappy and just watch from my lonely post on the couch. Yeah you heard me lonely post on a couch with not a person near to me that was with me. Yeah I know this is one of those BooHoos times, both I have to scream outloud. I AM TIRED OF THIS!!!!

I know that I have no one at times that reads this blog and somoetimes I am happy that I don't have peeps looking at it. This gives me a chance to voice it out in silence and be to live with nyself abit better. I am not even sure that I could through having sex with a person. I am not sure that I could even live befgore,during and after the act. The doctor has told me that a sudden drop in blood pressure could kill me. That is cause of the diabetes and high blood pressure. So do I want to chance it or just wait by the side lines watching as life passes me by.
I just want to know when do I have a chance to find out? When is it my turn and can I step up to the plate as they say and do it?

So do I have left in my life?

More on this later as I get the feel to write about it.
Nite y'all and I wish you sweet dreams, cause that is all I have any more just the dreams. That is all I have left. I lost my wife and a life. Oh and Happy Holidays if I do not write again soon.

time for a post again

I guess it is time to make an update to what is happening about me. Well I am losing my mind slowly. I am still hearing peeps thoughts and I am still traveling at night. Sometime it seems it do more exercising in my mind then physically doing it. It has said that a monk can travel the earth during his time meditating. For all it is but relax and put your mind in a relax state and just belive in a leap r step in faith. Faith in one's Chi is a belief that anyone can move a mountain with but a thought. I travel time, space and all I do is dream. There is time I remember most time I just lie there wondering where I went this time. If you want to learn more about it or how to do this just ask me. drop a line here or balric99@aol.com. I can help you, just to let you know once the door is open you can not close it.

Repeat from 2008

A subject of something that I know about. Well I have learned it the hard way. what it is like to be a caretaker. No choice in the matter. I was never asked would I do it. did you want to take your Step-Father to all his appointments, stay with him in the hospital Emergency room when needs be. I took it and went when needed. Yeah I did it and might do it again. But I was never given the option to do it. I have never had a chance to decide. I did not even raise my hand to volunteer. It just happened.If you wondered if being a carertaker takes from your life? Oh yeah it eats at your very fabric, sucks life from you, takes years from your life. Here is a man for years made me feel like I was an inch tall. Yelled at me, degraded me at every chance he has. Blames me for alot of subjects he brings up when the time is needed to place me back in my place. Yells at me alot of the time. Oh yeah I feel grateful, I feel like to hell with this. But I wake up, take him where he needs to go, and help him wipe his butt when needed.

So what do I do. Most of the time I play a game on my computer, put my mind in a place that gives me a chance to forget. Go to movies and let life pass me by. Go to bookstores looking for a book to explain what to do. Searching for a voice that says I understand. My step-Father is wheelchair bound so he is not walking. I lift, I move, I steady, I drive and get whatever he wants. I have found in the waitting room that there is so many faces that looks like mine. It takes it toll on us and me. It takes a toll on all of us. We are waitting our lives away.

So where is the caregivers group where I can share the very feelings I have about this. I still have a life, which is placed on hold. No place to hide, not even my very room. I have a leash and it gets yanked. Now don't get me wrong, most nights I have to myself. But I can not just say that I want to do something. I have to ask if it is okay that I do something. Forty six years of age and I have to ask if I can leave. God help me. I am stuck with this and it is eating at me every day. There is no care group for caregivers. We are expected to jump when it comes our time. I lie to myself and smile when I do it. But deep down I just want to die away. I even want to stop everything.Awhile back I called around looking for someone that would even give me a chance to talk. All I got was call here or go here. All of them would have left me in a place that I would not have a say what happens to me. Yeah it was the looney bin. The House of crazy people.

The answer would have been more pills and let me wander about like a zombie. You would not believe how I would almost just let it happen. But that is not the answer. Not fair to my mother to leave this on her. Lord knows what she would do. So here I write of my tale and let the words be free where my body is a slave. My mind just keeps holding in the feelings I have then I just keep going. Keep waitting for the next movie, the next DVD or the next book where I can lose myself for a moment.

I have found that I have something to look forward to yeah It is bowling. I got myself into a league. I just went out and joined one had to do it. It is on Sunday nights and I did well for being rusty. Ten years at least of rust. I got ball shined (hey it is the Bowling ball) shined the old bag and cleaned the shoes. I can not wait for the next time. now it is in between that is sucking lots of wind.
Right step-father is in the hospital. I hate those places. too many memories of my grandfather being there and me trying to help him. that one day that he went nuts and I had to leave cause I was so scared. Slowly I am able to pull back the layers and look at myself. Maybe I will be looking back.
I know that I am out there just where am I at. The staircase, a room, or on the footpath walking about picking up the pieces. For those of you that do not understand. I am talking outside the box. My spirit travels just where it goes I have no idea. I had someone say that they saw me in a blue light at the foot of their bed. Some feel me near to them. Where ever I go I hope it is to a wonderful place. Even if I can not remember sometimes. My Dreams escape me and I find I can not remember them enough to write them down.
well enough for now.

Center Can Not Hold

This is a book I am reading at the Moment. It has real made me look into the mirror and see the monster that is looking back. The that is me in the mirror type of thought. Truth is that it me and I have to deal with it. I matter be in a horror film. My days are becoming hell at times and i HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Screw the caps lock. Well my weekly sessions are doing some help but I still think the major things are getting lost and I have no idea where they are. Need to dig deeper. I still have yet to find what it is. Years of being bully, lack of sex (that involves a girlfriend), human contact (including a hug every now and then), conversation (involves coffee then I go off and ramble on, confusing peeps). I have no idea what it is?
I am going to ponder this abit more. I have to achieve baby step goals and do them. Hell I have no idea what I am going to do.

TTFN

More Pondering.

Have oyu ever been under the microscope? I am starting to feel that way. I had to take step-father to get a pill camera swallowed down thee ole glullet and recorded to a device hooked around his waist. Nasty...No?
Well I am having to wipe up poop forever now, cause he thinks he can not do anything for his self. we are thankful of Latex gloves, just now where is a clothes pin? Oh those are a thing that used to be use to hang clothes on the line outside to dry. That is just something to explain for those that only know what a dryer is for. If for some reason you do not understand a dryer, Lord help you, ask your room mate.
Well I have not seen he insides of my eye lids since 4 am.

TTFN

Pondering part 1

Pondering is a kool way of saying that I have no idea and I am thinking of a good excuse. Answers requires words of truth and of knowledge, in other words facts. Hard line facts like the rosary was created in the later 1200's and an order of Knights had to do it at least 32 times per day. Like by Hook or by crook is another saying that means that either which way the wind was coming from you either sailed into the dock of the city Hook or by Crook. Those are facts.

When it comes to me the facts are straight I am broke and I need to get fixed. I am pondering how to do it. I have better resources now, but I am still broke. Life does not allow broke people to wandering about. I have learned how to hide it, and I can do it well. Heard of ear tickling I understand that language. I have done it for over 40 years of my life. I got things from ear tickling I got to go to places with my parent because of it. I played hooky from school by doing it. Heck I could lie my way out of most thing that happen to me. I had to to keep myself from harm. Now is a different time now I need to talk the truth. They need the info to help others of with my disorder or disease. The truth hurts and now I have to take the hits as I open up to others. I have given someone access to this blog and I hope the info here will help those that need help.
But just as the truth can hurt so can it hurt others. I have placed my thoughts here many of times. for close to five years now. Yeah it is a long time to place things here that sometimes no one reads. These thoughts are here to be my therapy, my venting and my excitement when something I do goes right for a change. Too bad people don't take the offer and read here more often. they might understand the true butterfly effect. that a single flutter of a wing can move a mountain or a cup of coffee can change the world. Buy someone a cup of coffee and see if they smile back. You might even get a conversation out of it. I have not gotten the guts up to do it but I have thought of it. Who knows I might just do it tomorrow. Lets see what happens.

Well enough for tonight
as Tigger would say
TTFN

okay Love the next part again

I am still pondering on the subject of love. Let say it is not making any sense to me. It has been 9 years since I have had a semi - love connection. Does it matter, it must cause I keep coming back to the subject. So what of the subject is getting me? I have no idea, and I really mean it when I say I have no idea.

This I will have to ponder on some more. Don't worry I will get there sometime soon

TTFN

Love part which ever so far

I havebeen watching movies you know the romantic/comedy type. I watched The Ugly truth yesterday and I realize that I am just like the girl in the movie. I have no possible way to be the guy type that is in the movie. God I am the girl, no possible way to get a girl to be interested in me.
I am a care taker living with my parents. women hear live with parents.
I have a low income. which means I am a cheap date. Sso good looking women in my age are looking for high income guys. They want Victoria Secrets, I can go for Goodwell on a good day.
They want to go for high price eatery and I am thinking that I might get fries with my meal and if she s good I might get her a latte a'la Mccaffe.

Heh I can just go for a jeans and T-Shirt type of girl, beer does not have to be a requirement. No tatts and /or body priecing. I like my women just a regular looking one. that is just one. Okay time to look like the stalker in Taco Bell and/or McD's. Should I use the laptop to hide behind or does it make me look dorky or even to nerdy. Putting the cord from the plug just in the way of possible woman walking in my direction so she can almost trip on it?
Like that would work.
Well I have found from watching that love is hit or miss. I am in the miss side of it. I miss it alot. Romantic/comedy are more fun when a woman goes with you. I just can not believe I just said that. Yupe I do miss it.
Well that be it for now. Too depressing to continue. I am not going to turn this into a Boo Hoo moment as a friend call them. But I will say being alone SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN
The Rev.
P.S. When all else fails follow your heart and go to the movies. Never know if she is in the theater with you or not.

Love Talk

So back to the question what is love? Can it be done without the sex part? I think I have come to the part that I hate sex, or just I hate it with another person. I think I am just saying I do not need it. If I had to write a short story on it. I think it would be a very short story. I have not really experienced true love or a love worthy of dieing for. Is she out there or am I just tricking myself in to thinking that?Well enough of tonights Boohoo session.I will close it down with a bit of homework for y'all. what is true love? Think about it for me.Maybe it is just a rocker away from a pitcher of tea.

Above is the last paragraph of the post love.

I have found out a little bit bout love. It has strings, it has a language of it's own, it has problems and it has actions that have to happen to keep it alive. I went down to the valley here in Texas to see a person I had feelings for. With the feelings also goes the heart. I thought I had a chance with her, but found out that she is still married and she has yet to let him go.
I found that love hurts. Oh have I said that she no longer will talk to me? It hurts so bad at times knowing that I am not even thought of enough that it is just enough to shut it down.
Why love a person or even thingk of a person that I just keep finding the wrong peeps to be with. Okay I am not the best find out there, but life should have a partner for everyone.

Life:
My life at times seems to be hellish. I have to do what ever is needed of me when it comes to my step-father. Today I had to take him down to get type casted for a blood transfusion and declotting of his dialysys arm. The tubes in his left arm is clotted and needs to be clear so I have to take him down to place to clear it. Well that is going to be fun.

well I will talk more as I find out about it.

Oh about my eyes I have one that has gotten surgery on it and doing well.
As honest as it gets I will ask about it more
Night all

Boo Hoo moment,yeah another one

okay got the operation on my right eye and it works. Now I have one eye nearsighted and one farsighted. Yikes the headaches I get for the moment. I am going to get the other one done too.

The boo hoo moment as a friend of mine calls its, is one of my friends has decided to give me the cold shoulder routine cause I decided mot give a set of items of Fredricks to her. She is still married and it would not be wise to do that I thought and now it has gotten me isolation. No calls anymore and I miss a friend. I still have friends to write too and hopefully I can get Skype working again so I can call a gfriend in Argentina. I miss our talks too.

Well enough of the boo hoo moment and back to life.
TTFN

Love

What is it and why we need it. I know there have many round conversations about this topic. But I want to know what it really is to feel it. I get it from my pets. Unconventional love is all they know. they will give it to me till I die or they do. which is something I can not think of. Losing one of my dogs hurts so bad to even think of. They have kept me from doing myself in.

Leo is my toy poodle. he choose me, I did not choose him till after he kept coming directly to me and just me. We have been bestest best buds ever since. He is so protective of me. Is that what true love is? can you fins that in a woman or another personal. Leo would not lie to me if he was a person. He has shown that as a pup.

People are just so tainted they lie to get their ways, cheat to get ahead, steal others ideas to make that extra buck. Guess we are all born to...... man I hate that blinking prompt when I can nnot figure out what to write next. It just sits there blinking.

So back to the question what is love? Can it be done without the sex part? I think I have come to the part that I hate sex, or just I hate it with another person. I think I am just saying I do not need it. If I had to write a short story on it. I think it would be a very short story. I have not really experienced true love or a love worthy of dieing for. Is she out there or am I just tricking myself in to thinking that?
Well enough of tonights Boohoo session.
I will close it down with a bit of homework for y'all. what is true love? Think about it for me.
Maybe it is just a rocker away from a pitcher of tea.

Late Night or early Morning.

Okay it is a boo hoo time again. Okay I woke up and now finding it hard to get back to sleep. Life is getting tough to keep which days I am doing what. Between my appointments and John's I am running ragged. Tomorrow, I mean today I have two of my own and one for him.

Found out also I have catracts in both eyes just the right is wortse then the left. Have an appointment for that too. Blood sugar is skyrocking need to get it down to normal. Stupid pills I take raises it up, so it is a constant battle to keep it down. Well that is all for this moment. tell more after I find out.

Good day y'all

New day new post

Not how to go for it tonight. Nothing really happeen except that I bought somebooks and personal items. OMG I have nothing to say. Now tomorrow I have alot to say. I am going to drivng out of time heading to a town named Waco. I have to take my stwp-father there. I am not happy about it, but I am the driver.
Well that is it so far. My feelings are just nuetral at the moment. nothing real important.

Oh I have another thing.
One of my friends is kinds in a scene that I am not happy about , but again what have I to say about it. she has to do it to get money on the table, just not something I would want her to get back into. She is in there and already has someone that want to cart her all the country and pay her for it. She didn't even talk about the fact that she has a child. I her the old her that is in the clubs. Same thing that happened to me. The old club feeling is easy to drop into and become that old person from there. I am not how I feel to share with her. Good thing is that we don't share on here. she is never looking at this like many of people. My friends list has dropped to like almost no one except two friends I have from out of the country. They know who they are. I guess blogging is like old news now and twitter is it. I don't have enough time on line to twitter my day.

Careful this might become a habit

I am not sure what I am going to write about tonight. I really do not have many problems to place down tonight. Hmm I just know that I am till not as happy as I could be. Oh yeah I had to take the car down for a tire fix. Had a nail in my tire and it cost me 40 bucks to get it fix. Now that is something that I have done today. OH Wow.

Part 3

well I once again went to the club and again a no show. I guess i SHOULD JUST LET THIS GO AND FORGET ABOUT THIS FRIEND. i HAVE GIVEN HER ALL THE CHANCES i SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ANYONE. Dang caps lock.

My life should be a happy one with the few friends I have and please know that I am retaful for them. They mean the life to me and I need them in so many ways. Just that four walls is just that four walls nothing more and nothing less. I have to have human contact, I need that hug.
What do I do? Do I just walk away and stand in a huge crowd feeling that I am one among too many?

I need this contact. I need the feeling that I have achieve something more then being a pet to John (step-father). Everything I do seems to include him I can never seem to get away from it. My room is my only haven from him so far but that will change when I have to move back into the house. Yeah that is a plan my Mom has in store for me. Then he will have there too. I just put on a happy face and just move on.

Well time for me to sleep and get some sort of rest.

Friday Part Two

Gee whiz I can not go to sleep with all that is on my mind. Hard to quiet it down,just keeps running on and on. I keep thinking of the friend that I have not seen. I keep wondering if it is me that is the problem. Why can not I just find out so I can put an end to this?

I am sure I have not done anything to warrent this, but I am not sure. Been a couple of years since I have seen her so I do not know if I did something or not. that has been a life time if you know what I mean. All she is a friend and it should not bother me so that we have move on to different circles. Just something in the back of my mind that is nagging me so. I just want to know what I did to warrent this.

I would just like to die if I have hurt one of my friends feelings. My friend are all I have besides the little family about me. I mean all the friends I have I can count on one hand and still have fingers left. What does one do when in this situation? How do you confront this problem? How can one sleep knowing that you might have hurt someones feelings? To me such a thing would be hard to live with. Friends are like my family, and I am always there for them. I just feel the pain right now and I wish she had this site to read the feelings that I feel right now.

Please understand that this is just the feelings of some one reaching out that nothing harmful will come from this. as I have said many times before this is just Me and only Me. Guess that is what makes this so hard for me to live with. Just knowing that I have no one to really talk to about this and that a web page is the answer to log this in and hope for the best. One day someone will read this and be amazed at how I even made it through some of the hard ship. Me can you believe it a research subject telling all that is here and then some. I have like three years of stuff here and mush more to write when I have the chance and want to rant on about how I feel. Yeah I know there some of you that really care and are out there for me. Just at this moment I need that little bit that makes us all abit more human, the touch.... it is all in the touch. Not enough people give that little bit of a touch. Can be as soft as a butterfly's wing or simple hug. We all need this and I have missed many of years worth of it. Guess the tears in my eyes shows that I have a sensitive side to me. Nah I am not a momma's boy just a messed up one. Too many pills for too long of a time. I am even forgetting things more and more.

Well I hope this gets out to people and they learn alittle bit from this. My story is the truth and life can be hard. Remember if you have it hold on to it and fight for what you have. Don't give up or you might be standing where I am at. Think about it. Peace out y'all

Friday Night

Well I went to a movie and kinda enjoyed it. Worst part is that I went alone. Seems to be starting a pattern. Need to find a friend some people that are like myself and willing to see movies. Alone is not a way to see a good movie. I am not saying that I do not have any friends, I just need the human contact to make things more real and fun.

I went to the clubs to see if I could find an old friend and she did not show. Guess that is a dead end and I can forget that part. Again time to move on. I realy felt out of place in the club scene, been way too long since I have done that. Why is it that I seem to keep losing people out of my circle. I have some there, but most of the people around me just up and disappear.

So I am just to go out there and I just to go out there and see what pops up as a friend? Sheech I just want a friend to hang with. Bar scenes are boring. can not drink have to enjoy a Diet whatever and then think I am having fun? Nah I like other things in my life, alittle conversation, maybe a hug. More people should hug. Hugs are good. Shows bonding and a sign of friendship.

Time for me to get hugs

friends

Well tonight I waited to see a friend I have not seen in years and guess what? She was a no show. I am not sure if I am relieved or sadden that I have not seen her. She was a very good friend for some reason I lost touch with her. I almost wanted to cry from all the stress that I have had from waiting for her to arrive at the club. I still have a feeling I should let it go and just have the two friends I have. I really want friends and I have a couple, but I would like to have more. I have my overseas friend, she is the greatest and I haveone in washington she is my BFF. Both have gone through alot with me and I have had my times. Just I miss the hugs and the feeling of belonging. well I have some snack to munch on before Leo opens the bag.

more later

Note to self

Guess I need to remember to write here as much as writing a short story, Take 5 minutes out of your time to write. Well I have to learn to do it when I have a chance. I have no real thing to write about tonight, but I have to think about it. Well let see if I have any thing in mind to write about. I am just ...... well this is short and not to any point.

Just me

A little note tonight on how I am feeling. Well Christmas is just eight days away and I still have not feeling like it is the holiday. Missing people and no friends right here help with that. My Mom would just say either get over with it or what do you want me to do. She is totally clueless when it come to this. she just says that it scares her when I have issues and she is not sure to ask me anything. Hurts more when I am not included. Does it matter it does to me, but to others I guess not.

Well enough for now.

Wow How Can I follow that one.

Man I think of that song all the time now. I feel like the last one there all the time. I know I have someone out there, but the miles are the factor. How do you cross a line that is over a thousand miles across. I just want to know that I have someone now. the warm hugs and the feeling of being loved.

The Holiday is the worst time for me. I have no one to get that special gift for. You have to have a special person to get that special gift for. I lost that chance when I divorced someone and now the feeling is there and no one to give it to. Man this is a bad time for me. No not gong to do anything stupid just in the blues.
Talk more later

Gotta Be Somebody

The Lyrics speaks for the way I feel. very powerful song download it if you can and listen to it.

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.


Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

Migrane headaches

Now we can talk about pain. Pounding and throbbing pain from the center of my head outward till I just can no longer look. Maybe I should go in on this and have it looked after. Well I just think it is the fact that I am trying to free myself of any sugar or any Carbs. Just a simple withdraw..talk about jonesing for things I can no longer having.

Doctor gave me a heck of a scare. saying that I could end up being like my step-father on dialsys for rest of whatever life I would have. Well that got my attention real fast. so I am losing weight but the blood sugar is still way too high. Talk about sending a person in a depression. Well that has happened and I am just laying in the dark trying to keep the throbbing pain down to a dull roar.

I have already said that depression hurts well I have pain from two areas my Heart and soul, plus the head now. I really hurt and I have no way to limit it yet. Working on it but it is a ways away. I have a hard time reading too.

Well enough for now. Pain too intense to continue at the moment. So I am going to say good nite.

Tuesday Night

For those that know me I go through depression often enough to keep this blog going. I also have many other feelings anger, frustration, and tons more that I can list but will not due to time and space. For everyone problem a mental patient has there is another affecting something else. Thus the reason one like myself gets a handful of pills. I went through a panic attack just last night cause I could not find a DVD. I tore through everything I had looking for those DVDs. The problem they were staring me in the face. Right next to the DVD player. there they are.

Did I feel stupid yes? Do I need to clean my roo, yeah I have to clean the room. But somewhere when I did the tore through I hurt the hell out of my back. I have pain pills for it. Good ones too!!

The thought process I am trying to get through is that I am not a totally sane person, but I an not totally insane either. My problems started way back in childhood and have gone on since. From opening my mind to trying to hide the pain in my head when others also hurt. what do I do when I want to just sit in the darkness and sleep the day away. Easy way out. Copout is what a person might say. But it is the ones that do not know how I feel, I find hard to make understand. Many friends have seen the depths I can go and what darkness that can surround me. Please understand when one looks outside the box, one opens to what is out there. Yeah I have said this before so I am not going to go through that again.

Right now I am looking from above down on stuff, what I see I do not like. I have way too much trash items and alot of crap that needs to be removed. I reads too much mags and have no place to put them except the recycling. My room needs to be explored for what is there and remove all that does not need to be there. From stuffed animals to magizines. My life is the trash in between at the moment and I need to clean it up. I wish I had help, but that is not an option. So I have top go through every little bit at a time and find it a place to go to.

I have not talked about the voices. those little things that keep me awake at night and disturb me when I try to go through a thought process. What can I do? Turn up the TV to drown them out or just try to ignor them. One time it works one way and other times I have to do alot to shut the voices out. I no longer know who they are or whom I should help. I just want silence and sleep gets me there. Quiet mind ( BTW that is a title of a book that I have attemped to finish) one of many books I have about me. Each one is an escape. BTW I have not said in a while that I can lose myself in the world of a good book. Books are worlds to explore, more then just a printed page. I have always been fascinated by the printed word, alot lies in between the lines. Worlds to explore like a movie to watch and exploring requires a quiet mind and time I slowly digest the book as I go from page to page. Chapters are just another scene, the next place to go. Though I have found many of books that just annoy me and I place them by the side of a pyschotic road.

I am sure alot of people have come to the conclusion that I need help or just that I am fooling myself and shake out of it. I wish I could. That would be the easiest thing to do. I could just shake it off like walking a pain out in my leg. Nope that does not work that way. Guess that is why I use this medium to put down the words on an unquiet mind. You know my life pathway is many I stand at a cross road and watch other pass me by. I have no idea where to go anymore. I just watch as they pass by me while I stand at a cross roads. could I just be waitting for some event to happen or am I just waitting for the right person to come along and show the way. I thought becoming a Man of God would help me in looking that direction. All it has brought is more questions. The good book says this and it says that and if I follow it the right way I can be at the right place called Heaven. But does that make me a man of God or am I just another man wanting answers that I can not find. I know where to look and some books I read tell me things. I just know that I................

Well enough chatter for now. Time to take the pills

Friday Night

Well another friday night and I am feeling abit lonely, depressed, and really down in energy. I went to a movie and a dinner. I decided to spend a little on myself for a change. I just wanted to have a little fun. Well I didn't and I juast had this feeling of needing to go pee for most of the movie. I hate that feeling, but be a diabetic and you have to pee every time the winds blow.

So I had to leave for a moment or two just to get some relief and I guess the movie stunk a little so it did not matter. I do have to say being away was fun then I have come home. I got my pills and now I can stay out here. I want.........

Well that is another matter I just ready for it to end.
I want my life back. I am about ready to make that jump, how ever I have to do it.

Well night folks time for the pills to silence things

Topic for tonight.

Not sure what the topic will be tonight. I have not any type of insperation yet to work off of. I am just writing hoping something will grab me. well I am going to just work on it. something has to come to me.

Well I guess not for the moment?
Time to take the pills now.

Night all

Monday night

well if you are wondering I am grounded now so Im am not having the feeling of falling. To explain that I think I need to explain the Falling thing. Some time when you encounter a person or spirit that is a negative power to my positive. I get the feeling of falling in a pit or I feel that I am still falling. If I as a positive am able to over power that effect then I feel that I need to watch out for anything that can happen.

Well I am doing all right and everything is fine.
What is weird is that I do not have anything else to talk about.
Well again it time to take the meds and quiet the voices.

Anyone have any questions I will be glad to answer any. Just to let y'all know anyone has this ability you just have to learn to open the box and step outside. Also to let you know once you do this you can not closes it up. Remeber not to lose yourself ever.

Night all

Little rant and small amount of rave.

I am not sure where to start this one. I worked the Train to day and I had a so so day. Not really as much to do, just the normal grind of the job. clean up after people, fill trashcan liners, move seat about, turn up the thermostat, and the other thing that make a job. You see I volunteer for the Austin Steam Train Association. I get to watch others as they are having fun and after that then pizza.
Today it started to feel weird no idea. Guess two psychics in the same room. I kept feeling like I was falling sometimes. I am not sure if it was a psychic or an angel around a person or just a simple Aura. But the power round a person kept me on my toes.

You have a question in mind I am sure. What the hell am I talking about. The clash of energies or the energy of one of god's angels can cause me to put some distance between myself and other people. Thus can be the same way if the people are the power of an negative nature. As I think of it more. I think of it as more negative then positive. Positive would have me willing to talk to. I would want to be around the positive people. Positive people means positive aura. But today I felt that I needed to be on guard. To describe it my Aura is an armor like plate armor on a Knight. I bring it in close to me a shielded of power protecting me from the what ever evil or bad thing that might be in the area. I just had this feeling that I needed to be protected. Might have been my imagination, but I swear something was out there. I could feel it.

Rule number (1) never lose one's self. Main rule only rule that means anything. Never ever ever lose myself in a reading or lose myself period. I still feel it about me I just do not know what I am going to do about it. This a time when I need a friend near me, help me ground myself so I no longer can sense it in the darkness waitting on me, MY dogs keep things at bay. Dogs can see things thst most people put out of there minds. So far they are queit. Which means it or whatever I felt is not close.

Let me explain about dogs. Dogs see the vail, they can see ghosts, spirits and other things that can go bump in the night. Might be a reason I keep a dog around me. Ever have a dog that looks into a corner or place that nothing else is there. Well that is a time a spirit or something might be around you.

No I am not a Ghost whisper. I stopped that awhile back, part of the voices I hear. I do not want to pierce the vail. That is not an area that I want to go into again. Yeah I said that which means that I pierced that vail. Sometime to just prove I can be better then most. I used to look for the person that is calling out to me at the time. Sometimes I still hear them, sometimes I can not aviod them.

I felt the other day that I needed to help a girl. She was digigng in her purse for any change she could find, just fro a meal. I could not stop watching her. She needed the help and I had the means to help her get some food. I had to help. Simple easy just go up and say I understand that you need some help for food and it is on me. An Act of Kindness, a siumple act of just stretching out to help a soul that needed the kindness of a simple man. Why me? I thought as I walked away. I felt good and I felt that I got within someones safety zone. I still do not feel that I really helped, even though..........

Maybe I helped and maybe she might give another the chance to show a simple act of kindness.
In this Me way of life peoplke forget that we area we generation and not a just me way of life. We have to help each other to stand up. Could be just a hand, a simple meal or maybe just saying Hi. But it did not feal that I helped and it did not feel good. I needed a friend say I did a good thing. Maybe she was ina dark place and the light that surrounds me was a bit bright to her. I just wanted to sit there and watch her eat, to see that I had done a right thing. Do I really need that pat on my back that says atta boy. the warm fuzzy feeling of helping a poor person to get something to eat. I do not knonw anymore. Maybe I am crazy. Mayber I have already lost myself to the vail and I just do the bidding of the spirits about me.

Well time to take the meds, and hush the voices again for one nights sleep.

Depression and a close mind part 2

I talked about how one feels when they are outside of society's cup. How the pain is a pain you feel and happiness is like a drug. Huge energy, bright glow, which I can see and flee. Auras are another thing you receive when you finally make it outside of the cup. You can also say outside of the box. New way of thinking, and happiness is the drug you hope for. As one talks to you you have the power. They are giving you the energy as you speak. The better you are at talking the more the energy you receive. Intoxicating you can almost feel drunk with the energy you are getting. Okay is this a good thing it does not matter you want it.

Just like when I use to read peoples lives I would fell drunk with the energy that I got. I slowly would read the path they are taking with just hold of their hand. That connection is a way to find them. The Paths of Life reading can be a connection you feel of one person. You have received from the person. You long to keep the connection but you have to ground yourself. This a way to get rid of the energy. Release to the universe so that one person is not the battery.

Battery mental energy that can be tapped. Ever have the feeling like your life is just be sucked out of you. Well that is because you are a person's Battery. The energy that you have about you is being used to power the person nearby you. Well that is how it works. You never know until you feel so drained. But like a battery you can disconnect from this person. Just ground yourself. First lesson never lose yourself in a person, never become the person sucking the life out of a person, plus never be the battery too. Being the battery is bad. Hence the emotional part of the lesson. What is next when you feel drained your own self will go in rescue mode. Anger is one way, saying bye to a person is a way to leave too. Get distance and then ground yourself. Some call it a sage smudging, meditation, and many other ways.

Forgive my rants. Just a small lesson. I wish that I could say that it is easy being a psychic. But being different can hold great power, greater feelings, and be sensitive can be hard just keep your head down and keep moving. sometimes you want to reach out and talk just talk cause then you
have a way to not be alone with all the thoughts about you. I was told by a therapist that reading a newspaper a day was a way to open up to people cause you would know what is going on about you. Never talk politics, never mention religion, people have a different view of God. the one that allows us to open our minds. The one question I would like to ask is why. Why you allow me to see more then others, why do I get to feel the connection, why do I feel the pain, what am I suppose to do with this. People don't believe me, I know what I feel. But people just look and point. Oh then the whispering starts, and it never stops. Never say you are a psychic. first question is "What am I thinking", should be what am I feeling? I do not read minds, I read feelings. Their paths in life is just a window into their mind, It starts in a room, their room in the pathway of life. Where they are at this very point, what they have there is what is their problems or what they have achieved. From there is a doorway is it open or is it a closed. I see it I can open it , but they have to make up their own mind. I just can't just open a door that is not to be opened. But I can see beyond it, I can see the possible ways they can go. pathways can branch out and go in any and every direction. turn right when you are ment to turn left, just changed paths. to love or to hate another pathway moved to. A single thought can change it. You can do alot by just making a decsion. That is why I say I can be like a butterfly wings, a simple hi and a smile can make a day. I just changed your path, just remember I care and I want to let you know.

STYX Come sail away

This song has a lot of meaning to how I feel. My dreams travel I am just along for the ride. Dream state is a great way to check on long distance friends. Keep looking to that shadow I might be there checking on you.
I have guard many in the past lives that are slowly being revealed to me. My life has been a long surrounded by God. Never know we might have met. I am but wing brush away and your new direction might be faith. Go luck and enjoy.

STYX
Come Sail Away

Written by dennis deyoung
Lead vocals by dennis deyoung

Im sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain, so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But well try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

Depression and a close mind

From the distance the voices call, and I try as I may not to listen. Having an open mind can be a curse. sometimes you hear too much, sometimes you learn too much. Feelings are just as open as a mind can be. What you find in the cup is safe for one, but I live outside of society's cup. Thus the issue, How should I think? How should I do, eat, sleep and what am I suppose to dream? I have been told in many way that I have a problem.
Anger is an emotion I seem to hide behind. I hate change and what it brings. Sometime it is not what everyone wants. I hate the yelling that goes on around me and sometimes I am more sensitive to the feelings that I try and hide from. I guess I need a place where I can hear a TV in the background. The voices hide from the TV, quieted by the noise. It can be any noise if it is loud enough to keep it at bay. Hence the Title Depression and a close mind.

If you did not know depression hurts. The pain can be unbearable to a point that you look for the release. some have released the pain by drugs, some by killing themselves and some have even been put in hospitals. Pain is always there, and depression is always at an arms reach and I should say that the pills do not help. In lots of ways it never did I just say at time that it does so that they stop prescribing more of them. Being a zombie is not how I want to live my life. But having the abilities of feeling others emotions is not good either. A person's thoughts and feeling should be their own and I should not have access to it.

How do you say that I gain access to it. Let me tell you how it can happen. Open your mind use more then the 10% doctors say we use. Look outside the cup and turn it around, look at it and see what it offers. Then listen, the more the people the more the voices, the more the voices, the more the feelings and now you feel what the person next to you is feeling. God help it is a kid and him/her is crying. Cause you want to do no more then stop it. Crying hurts it is a painful feeling and you want it to stop. As tears run down my own eyes, I try and move to the other side of the store or check out as fast as I can.
This is suppose to be a gift, a glorious gift of insight, you see what the future holds for others. they call it being a psychic and many do it and get paid for it. A true psychic will not take your money. A true psychic is more like me, hiding in the shadows not know what is real anymore and what is a false future. I see things as a room in the present with a pathway that goes out from the spot. How well you are doing in your life is how organize your room is. Mine is a room of walls or a pain that I feel most of the time. Again I say depression hurts and I love to close my mind. Again hence the problem. Once you open the door in your mind, you can not close it. Remember a teacher told me do not lose yourself. I have never lost myself I know where I stand. My pathway is clear to me, I just have to step beyond the shadow of a door. That doorway is hard to cross, cause I fear what might happen. Lost of a love one, pain and suffering of friend, the coma I call peace. All I have to do is walk ahead, a step of faith type of things.

Placing my life in the hands of God is a scarey thing. Trusting the Lord and he shall do what is needed by me. But I am one that they would call a heritic or one of the damned because of witchcraft. Man's mind is not suppose to be opened and we are suppose to be gratful sheep.
Remember the cup, it always comes back to the cup on the table. A vessel to be filled with life. I hold it, I look at it and I turn it about to see all of it from every side. I just can not go back in it and leave this that I have. Being a psychic is not a gift, for me it is a curse. I see too much and I feel too much, for it I have the pain.
Remember depression hurts.